Professor Yun smiled at my words. The smile lasted for about three seconds and suddenly broke. Because he started crying again.
“Thank you, for thinking of him that way.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because I feel sorry I couldn’t think of him the same way. And because it’s ridiculous that I feel grateful hearing someone else say he’s a good person . . .” he stammered, sobbing. Just before he left, he asked one last thing, a little hesitantly.
“If you ever hear from him, could you give him my words? To please come back?”
“Why do you want me to say those words?”
“Well, I’m embarrassed to say this as an adult. But things happened one after another without stopping. And I had no time to devote attention to and care for each one. I would like another chance to get things right this time,” he said.
“I’ll tell him,” I promised.
*
All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. If Professor Yun could go back in time, would he have chosen not to have Gon? If he had, the couple wouldn’t have lost Gon in the first place. Mrs. Yun wouldn’t have been ill from guilt and died of regret. All the trouble Gon caused wouldn’t have happened either. If you think about it that way, then it would’ve been better if Gon had never been born. Because, more than anything, he wouldn’t have had to feel so much pain and loss. But everything loses its meaning if you think that way. Only purpose remains. Barren.
*
It was early dawn, but I was still wide awake. I had something to tell Gon. I had to say I was sorry. Sorry for pretending to be his mother’s son, sorry for keeping from him that I’d made another friend. And finally, sorry for not telling him that I knew he didn’t steal the money and that I believed him.
64
I had to find Gon. That meant first I’d have to find that kid called Steamed Bun.
The school he went to was in the middle of a red-light district. It was surprising that anyone would ever decide to build a school there, of all places. Maybe the seediness of the district developed after the school was built, but still. The yellow-brown rays of the afternoon sun stretched across the schoolyard, where kids who looked nothing like students were smoking.
A few kids prowling around the school entrance shoved me on my way in. I told them I’d come to see Steamed Bun. He was the only one I could ask about where Gon might be. He might know the kinds of places that would welcome Gon.
Steamed Bun walked toward me from a distance. He was skinny and his shadow looked like a skewer. Up close, his hands and feet and face were so huge they looked like fruit dangling from branches. At his nod, the other kids began taking turns prodding my ribs and searching my pockets. Once Steamed Bun realized I had nothing to offer, he asked, “What does a Goody Two-shoes like you want with me?”
“Gon isn’t around. I thought you might know where he is. Don’t worry, whatever you say, I won’t tell the grown-ups.”
Unexpectedly, he answered right away: “Steel Wire.” He shrugged, cocking his head left and right a couple times with a loud crack. “That bastard must’ve gone to Steel Wire. I’m telling ya, I have nothing to do with this. Steel Wire is out of my league. I’m still a student, after all,” said Steamed Bun as he turned and tapped his backpack.
“Where is he?” I simply asked, as the name Steel Wire didn’t roll off the tongue yet.
Steamed Bun’s cheek twitched. “Why? You gonna go after him? I don’t recommend it.”
“Yes,” I replied curtly. I had no time to fool around. Tsk Tsk, Steamed Bun clicked, and hesitated for a while before he finally gave me the name of a port town not too far from our city.
“There’s a farmer’s market there, and at the end of it you’ll see an old shoe store. All I know is they sell dance shoes. I haven’t been there myself. Good luck. Although it’ll be useless.” Steamed Bun made a gun with his fingers, pointed it at my head, and mouthed bang, before he swaggered out of sight.
65
Dora stopped by before I went to find Gon. She sat there for a long while before she apologized.
“I didn’t know you were close to Leesu. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said that to him. Still, someone needed to speak up and stop him.” She started out soft but by the end her voice was strong. “I still can’t wrap my head around it. How did you end up becoming friends with someone like him . . .” she mumbled.
Someone like him. Yes, that was what everybody must’ve thought of Gon. I was one of them. I told Dora the same thing I had said to Dr. Shim. That if I understood Gon, I thought I could somehow understand what happened to Mom and Granny. I wanted to give it a try so that I could unlock at least one secret in life.