I sit down. I wolf an unholy amount of food, washing it down with orange juice. I don’t talk much. Donna, Renn, and Dad converse between themselves. Every once in a while, they ask me what I think about what they’re saying, but I don’t feel under any kind of pressure to jump into the conversation. They don’t bombard me with questions. More than anything, I’m blindsided by how much these three look and feel like a family unit. It is so painfully obvious I’m the odd one out. Donna calls Renn “Ruin,” and Renn calls her “Danny.” She and Dad volunteer at the local community center together. It is clear to me that by coming here, I’ve stepped into something that’s already whole and functioning. So despite not being completely okay with it, and still feeling weirded out by the fact that there is a whole-ass stranger living in my childhood house full-time now, I tell Donna that she doesn’t have to stay at Dylan’s house on my account and can move back in.
“Don’t stay away on my account. As you can tell, I’m mostly in my room.” I shrug, playing it off.
Donna smiles. “We’re all kind of counting on seeing more of you out of the room.”
“Ah, she is trying to fix me already.” I send Dad a venomous smile. “What a catch.”
“Bitter much?” Renn kicks me under the table. “Seriously, what’s wrong with you? She’s being nice.”
“Ever, this is uncalled for,” Dad says flatly. I wait for Donna to do the whole fairy godmother thing and be Oh, please, no, I understand. Instead, she arches an eyebrow in my direction and says, “You know, only one person is going to lose if you quit on your life and stay in your room for eternity. And that person sure ain’t gonna be me.”
You just got verbally bitch-slapped, Pippa laughs in my head. And it was epic. Kodak moment, dude.
I rub at my face, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.
“Sorry. Sorry for being . . .” Unbearable. Rude. Disgusting. Shall I go on? “Difficult.”
“You just lost your fiancé,” Donna says mildly. “And believe it or not, as someone who has been there, you are not doing as bad as you think you are.”
“I have no point of reference. I bailed fast when Dad lost Mom, so I couldn’t see his full destruction,” I mumble, pushing the leftovers on my plate around.
“I was a wreck. Losing the love of your life is the hardest thing you have to go through,” Dad says. “But the good news is . . . you go through it.”
He called Mom the love of his life. In front of Donna. And she still hasn’t stuck a fork in his arm. This makes me feel like a huge rock has rolled off my heart.
“Such a fun topic.” Renn claps with a smile. “But I vote we should change it. How are you feeling, Ev?”
I give it some genuine thought.
“Better . . . I think.”
I mean it. It still hurts. I still think about Dom all the time, but I no longer feel like I have no control over my emotions. Like I have no idea what condition I am going to wake up in tomorrow. The anger I had toward him is almost all gone. It’s now been replaced with quiet acceptance that Dom was far from the perfect guy I thought he was, and that is okay. That I will never get my closure with him, will never be able to ask him what went through his head when he did what he did—and that’s okay too.
“Better or good?” Renn asks.
“Better.” I drag a piece of bread in butter before popping it into my mouth. “And maybe a little good, now that simple carbs are involved.”
“Good enough to come surfing with us? The guys and I are gonna catch some waves in about half an hour. The ocean will be flat, perfect for bad surfers like you.”
I flip him the finger. He laughs.
“They’ve been wanting to say hi.” Renn shrugs.
“You know I’m going to be a buzzkill.”
“Not sure how to tell you this . . .” Renn pretends to take a deep breath. “But you’ve always been a buzzkill. Now you just have a valid reason to be.”
I throw a piece of bread at him. He catches it in his mouth and chews.
“See what I have to deal with?” I ask Donna, jerking my thumb in Renn’s direction.
She grins. “He tried to engage me in a fart war the other day. I think this is his version of showing affection.”
And that’s when I can’t help it. I burst out laughing. That is such a Renn thing to do.
“You’re disgusting!” I push Renn’s shoulder.
“And you’re stalling. So? You coming, or do you have a hot date with a Marilyn Manson album and your pillow?”