“No. The way you should see it is—why should you put yourself in the middle of this explosive cluster?”
“I’m not in any cluster.” He kicks the Jeep into park, then shoves his door open. “It’s just harmless fun.”
“Harmful,” I counter. “For everyone involved. You included.”
Renn tsks. “We’re here.”
He hands me my surfboard and takes his, then turns his back on me. I gather the conversation is over for now. I pin it and make a note to get back to it when he least expects it. We proceed with our wetsuits to shore, where we meet Renn’s friends—Ryland, Tim, and Clayton. They’re all holding their surfboards, ready to tackle the waves. They all look huge in comparison to the last time I saw them.
“Holy shit, dude, you got hot!” Clayton exclaims as he shoulder-bumps me.
“Hey! Shut your trap. I’m right here.” Renn pushes him with a scowl.
“Yeah, Ever. You look great. Tragedy really agrees with you.” Tim snickers.
Renn punches his arm. Hard. “Cut it out, dipshit.”
Ryland sighs. “Excuse them. They don’t know how to human properly.”
I wave him off. “I don’t take offense.”
“No, but seriously, sorry about your fiancé.” Clayton makes a face.
I wonder how these guys would react if they knew what Dom had done. If they knew the whole story.
I smile. “Actually, I’m starting to feel better.”
“Good, it’ll help when you get your ass wiped by us,” Clayton says helpfully. “I’m sure you’re a little rusty.”
“I’ll wipe the floor with y’all,” I say cheerfully. “But if shit talk makes you feel better, have at it.”
Clayton elbows Renn. “Why’d you say she was depressed? She seems like her usual smart-ass self to me.”
They’re not treating me with kid gloves, and I like it.
A minute later, we all charge into the waves. Our feet slap the wet sand as we gain momentum. We’re cutting through the air. I’m a newly hatched baby turtle, rushing to the ocean to increase my chance of surviving a predator. My lungs open. My limbs loosen. Muscle memory reminds me who I was, who I am, who I’m meant to be. My body hits the cold water, and suddenly, I am sobered up. I’m clearheaded.
I’m alive.
A roar escapes from my mouth. Euphoria rushes over me. The simple, intense joy of being alive, and healthy and well, in this endless ocean, in one of the best cities in the world, robs me of my breath.
You’re home now, Mom whispers somewhere inside me. Relax. Smile. Enjoy this.
I slide my body across the surfboard. I snap my eyes shut. The boys are shouting back and forth next to me.
“Don’t steal my wave, asshole.”
“Your ass is so out of shape.”
“Hey, man, is your sister okay?”
In this moment in time, I am more than okay. I actually believe that it will be okay. That I will overcome the loss of Mom, and the loss of Dom.
But that maybe I don’t have to lose other people who are still here on this earth. Maybe I’m not so horrible and cursed.
That’s how I make the decision that it is time to apologize to Joe.
On our drive back home, Renn pops open two cans of LaCroix and hands me one. We’re both damp and shivering, even though we are not cold. Adrenaline zings through my veins. My body needed this reminder that it is still functioning. Capable.
Renn doesn’t say anything. I know he doesn’t want to reopen the subject of his not-girlfriend, but I can’t stop myself. I clear my throat before I tell him what I haven’t told anyone other than Joe. Not even Nora.
“Dom . . . he had a girlfriend.”
“What?” Renn snorts out. “Like, you stole him from someone else?”
I shake my head. “He was two-timing us. I didn’t know about her. They were together for three years.”
“The bastard,” Renn spits out, thunderous. “How’d you find out?”
“At the hospital, when I rushed to see how he was doing. She was there too.”
“That’s some bullshit!” he says. I’m glad he is mad. Because I’m about to turn the situation around on him in half a second.
“What would you have done if he’d made it? Would you have stuck with him?” Renn asks.
I’ve asked myself that question a million times in the past few weeks. The answer was always different. “No, I don’t think I would have. I mean, I’d have stuck around to take care of him, to nurse him back to health. But not as his girlfriend.”