we’re different people. And I’m not miserable, don’t worry. Sometimes I’m sad, but that’s okay. She gave her head a little shake without lifting it from his lap. But I don’t take care of you the way you take care of me, she said. He was smoothing his thumb slowly over her cheekbone. Well, maybe I’m not very good at being taken care of, he answered. Her tears had subsided, and she lay there on his lap for a moment without speaking. Then she asked: Why not? He gave an awkward smile. I don’t know, he said.
Anyway, we were talking about you, I think. She turned her head to look up at him. I wish we could talk about you for once, she said. Looking back down at her, he was quiet a moment. I’m sorry that you feel like God is punishing you, he said. It’s not something I believe he would do. She looked at him a few seconds longer, and then said: When we were on the train the other day I wrote Alice a message saying, I wish Simon had asked me to marry him ten years ago. For a moment he said nothing, apparently in thought. When you were nineteen, he remarked. Would you have accepted such a proposal? She gave a feeble laugh and shrugged her shoulders. Her eyes were hot and swollen. If I had any sense I would have, she answered. But I can’t remember now if I had any sense at that age or not. I think I would have found it extremely romantic, so maybe yes. It would have been a better life, you know. Than whatever I’ve had instead.
He was nodding his head, smiling wryly, a little sadly. For me too, he said. I’m sorry.
She took hold of his hand then, and they were quiet for a time. I know Alice upset you, he said. She was tracing her thumb over his knuckles. In the kitchen this morning, Felix asked me why I didn’t come to see her sooner, she said. And I started saying, well, what was stopping Alice from coming to see me? Where has she been? It’s not like she has a lot on. Any time she felt like it, she could have hopped on a train and come to visit me.
If she loves me so much, why did she move here in the first place? No one made her do
it. It’s like she went out of her way to make it difficult for us to see each other, and now she’s nursing her hurt feelings, telling herself I don’t care about her. When actually, she was the one who left. I didn’t want her to go. With this last remark, Eileen started crying again, her face in her hands. I didn’t want her to go, she repeated. Simon was touching her hair, saying nothing. Without looking up she said in a painful voice: Please don’t leave me. Smoothing a lock of her hair back behind her ear, he murmured: No, never. Of course not. For a minute longer, two minutes, she went on crying, and he sat quietly cradling her head in his lap. Finally she sat upright beside him on the mattress, drying her face with her sleeve. I never have been very good at it, he remarked. Being looked after. With a frail little laugh she said: Watch and learn. I’m an expert. Absently he smiled, looking down at his lap. I suppose I’m afraid of imposing myself, he went on. I mean, I don’t like to feel someone is doing something just because they think I want them to, or they feel obliged. Maybe I’m not explaining that properly. It’s not that I never want anything for myself. There are obviously some things I do want, very much. He broke off, shaking his head. Ah, I’m not expressing myself well, he said. Her eyes moved over his face. But Simon, she said, you don’t really let me get near you. Do you know what I mean? And whenever I do get near, you just push me away. He cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. We can talk about it another time, he said.
I know you’re upset about Alice, we don’t need to discuss all this now. With a faint crease between her brows she was frowning. But that’s just pushing me away again, she said. He gave a kind of pained smile. I don’t want you to be in my life just because you think I’ll be miserable without you, he said. I like to feel that you like being around me, for your own sake. Absently he was massaging the palm of his hand, under his thumb joint. I never want you to feel obliged to me, he went on. If I’ve ever done anything for
you, it was really for myself, because I’ve wanted to be close to you. And, if I’m honest, I’ve wanted to feel that you needed me, that you couldn’t do without me. Do you understand what I’m saying? I don’t think I’m being very clear at all. I mean that you’ve done much more for me, really, than I’ve ever done for you. And I’ve needed you more. I do need you more, a lot more, than you need me. He let out a breath. She was watching him in silence. He went on distractedly, almost as if talking to himself: But maybe I’m saying all the wrong things. I find it very hard to talk like this. Again he exhaled, almost like a sigh, and touched his hand to his brow. She went on watching him, only listening, not speaking. Finally he looked up at her and said: I know you’re scared. And maybe you really meant all those things you said about our friendship, just wanting to be friends, and if you did, I’ll accept that. But I feel maybe it’s possible you said those things, at least in some way, because you wanted me to make the other case.