That’s all. And now I have to hear about it whenever I see him. What has he done with his life? Nothing. At least I can say I’ve contributed something to the world. And he thinks he’s superior to me because he picked up the phone once. He goes around making friends with unstable people just so he can feel good about himself. Especially women, especially younger women. And if they have no money, that’s even better. You know he’s six years older than me. What has he done with his life?
Felix, who had not spoken in a long time now, was still sitting on the bench seat with his back against the wall, nursing his bottle of beer. Nothing, he replied. You said that already. I’ve done nothing either so I don’t know why you think I care. Alice stood at the kitchen counter with her back to him, watching him in the reflective surface of the kitchen window. Gradually he noticed her looking, their eyes met. What? he said. I’m not scared of you. She lowered her gaze then. Maybe that’s because you don’t know me very well, she said. He gave an offhanded laugh. She said nothing. He went on watching her back for a few seconds longer. Her face very white, she took an empty wine glass from the draining board and held it in her hand for a moment before dropping it hard down onto the tiles. The bowl part of the glass hit the floor with a crashing noise and shattered into fragments, while the stem remained largely intact, rolling away toward the fridge. In silence he observed her, not moving. If you’re thinking of doing something to hurt yourself, he said, don’t bother. You’ll only make a scene and you won’t feel better afterwards anyway. Her hands were braced against the kitchen counter, her eyes closed. Very quietly she answered: No, don’t worry. I won’t do anything while you’re all here. He raised his eyebrows and looked down at his drink. I’d better stick around so, he said. Her knuckles stood out white where she gripped the counter. I don’t honestly think you care whether I live or die, she said. Felix took a sip of his drink and swallowed. I should be pissed off with you talking to me like that, he remarked. But what’s the point? You’re not even really talking to me anyway. In your head you’re still talking to her. Alice bent down over the sink, her face buried in her hands, and he got up from his seat to go to her. Without turning around she said: Come near me and I’ll fucking hit you, Felix. I will. He stopped there at the table while she stood with her head in her arms. Time passed this way in silence. At length he came out from behind the
table and pulled out one of the kitchen chairs, dislodging some of the larger shards of glass on the tiles. For a few seconds she just continued standing against the sink, as if she had not even heard him approaching, and then without looking at him, she sat down.
She was shivering, her teeth were chattering. In a low kind of groan she said: Oh God. I feel like I’m going to kill myself. He was leaning against the kitchen table, watching her. Yeah, I’ve felt that way before, he answered. But I haven’t done it. And neither will you. She looked up at him, the expression on her face frightened, penitent, ashamed.
No, she said. I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry. Faintly he smiled and lowered his eyes.
You’re alright, he answered. And I do care whether you live or die, by the way. You know well I do. She went on looking at him for a few long seconds, her eyes moving absently over his figure, his hands, his face. I’m sorry, she said. I’m ashamed of myself.
I thought— I don’t know, I thought I was starting to get better. I’m sorry. He sat up on the surface of the kitchen table then. Yeah, you are getting better, he said. This is just a small little— whatever they call it, a little episode. Are you taking something?
Antidepressants or something. She nodded her head. Yeah, she said. Prozac. He looked down at her sympathetically where she sat on the chair. Oh yeah? he said. You’re doing pretty well on it, then. When I was on that stuff I had no sex drive at all. She laughed, and her hands were trembling, as if in relief after some averted disaster. Felix, she said, I can’t believe I told you I was going to hit you. I feel like a monster. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. Calmly he met her eye. You didn’t want me coming near you, that’s all, he said. You didn’t really know what you were saying. And you’re a psychiatric case, remember. Confused, she looked down at her shaking hands. But I thought I wasn’t anymore, she said. He shrugged his shoulders, taking his lighter from his pocket. Well, you still are, he said. It’s okay, it takes time. She touched her lips,