Fuck. I just called her Ray.
“Babe,” I murmur. “It’s just a nickname. It’s a nickname for you.”
“Please,” she begs, tears streaming down her face. The look in her eyes fucking guts me. What have I done? How could I have hurt her this way? “Please, just let go of me.”
I lower her to the floor gently and draw a shaky breath. How do I explain in a way she’ll understand? “I swear, Alanna,” I plead. “It’s just a nickname for you. You’re my ray of sunshine, Alanna. That’s all it is.”
She looks into my eyes, disappointment mixed with her pain. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Please don’t, Silas.”
She walks away, slamming our bedroom door closed with a loud bang, leaving me staring at the door, unsure what to do or say. Fuck.
Chapter Sixty-Nine
Alanna
I stare at my screen, my mind replaying the expression on Silas’s face when he moaned the name Ray while deep inside me. I grit my teeth as pain tears through my heart, leaving me feeling empty.
If that had been the first time I’d heard him say that name, I’d have believed his lies. I would have believed that it’s a nickname he gave me, and I’d be none the wiser.
Silas has no idea that he sometimes whispers Ray in his sleep. I’ve never said a word about it, part of me scared of being confronted with a love so great that it haunts his dreams. The way he’s always said her name made it clear he loves her. Who is she? It isn’t Raven, of that I’m sure. I’ve seen the two of them together, and though there’s affection between them, it isn’t love.
I bite down on my lip as I lean back in my seat. Ray of sunshine, he said. I tap my foot anxiously, the pieces slowly falling into place. Project Sunshine. It’s the firm’s most highly encrypted case file, and it appears to be the oldest one in the system. I glance over at Jessica, reluctant to ask her anything, yet unable to push aside my curiosity.
Our friendship is definitely over, but she hasn’t completely shut me out. She seems hurt and angry, but she doesn’t ignore me like many others do. “Jessica,” I murmur, my heart racing.
She looks up and raises her brows in question.
I hesitate and tap my pen on my desk, unsure whether I truly want to know or not. “Do you know what Project Sunshine is about?”
She tenses and glances around furtively before shaking her head. “Not many people know what it’s about, but it’s the first project the ψ division ever had, and it’s still ongoing, though not many people have clearance to access the files. I told you that there’s a rumor going around that the boss started this company because of a woman, right? I think Project Sunshine is about her. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but the general consensus is that it might be a murder case that’s remained unsolved.”
Her eyes widen as though she’s suddenly remembering my relationship with Silas, and she looks down. “But who knows, right? People always like to speculate. It probably isn’t about a woman at all, and if it is, it’s in the past.”
I nod at her and force my lips into a smile. If it truly was in the past, I wouldn’t be so anxious. I’m desperate to remember my past, so I can’t fault Silas for having one of his own. I’m just worried that Ray isn’t in the past. If he truly lost her, there’s every chance he’ll never get over her. She’ll always be the one who got away, the one he’ll compare everyone else to. I can’t compete with the ghost of a woman, one crafted from only the very best memories of them together.
I glance at Silas’s closed office door and clench my jaw. I need to know. I have to find out who she is and what their story is.
I inhale deeply as I start to type, trying my hardest to gain access to the file in every way I can think of, but at each turn, my attempts are blocked and access is denied. I bite down on my lip harshly as I try to circumvent Sinclair Security’s encryption software, but it’s all to no avail. I should’ve known it would be impossible. This system was designed by Aria and Grayson Callahan, after all. There won’t be any flaws in it that I can exploit. The couple is well-known for the security software they develop, and Sinclair Security works with them almost exclusively to create the encryption systems our firm uses. I won’t get anywhere.
“Alanna?”
I jump and close the windows I’ve got open, my heart aching as I turn toward Silas. I slept in the guest room last night, but when I woke up, he was lying next to me. I’m thankful that he didn’t try to make any further excuses, but the continuous guilt in his eyes is just further evidence of his lies, and it kills me. It breaks my heart to think of everything we’ve gone through, and for what?