I wrap my arms around her as she snuggles closer, until she’s got her head on my chest, the two of us lying together the way we used to. She still fits against me perfectly.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper, needing to say the words. “I still love you as much as I did then. It’s always been you, Alanna.”
She snuggles closer, her nose brushing over my neck. I bite down on my lip as she moves against me, wishing I could just turn us over and kiss her the way I’ve been wanting to. Now that I’ve finally got her back in my life, it’s hard to take it slow. I want everything we’ve missed out on. I hold her just a little tighter, needing her with a desperation I haven’t felt in years. She’s the only one who’s ever made me feel this way.
Alanna tenses in my arms and I freeze. She pulls away from me, her eyes widening when she sees me. “Silas?”
I look into her eyes, noting the redness in them. “Do you often cry in your sleep?”
Her lips fall open and she looks away, clearly not wanting to answer me. I sigh as I pull her back into my arms. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I rub her back soothingly, and she relaxes in my arms.
“At least once a week,” she admits. “Sometimes more often. I can never remember why, but every time this happens, I wake up feeling heartbroken. It feels like my dreams are showing me someone important, but the moment my eyes open, the images fade away. I just know it’s someone I love.”
“Someone you love?” I ask, my heart aching painfully. I wish I could tell her all about us and the history we share. Would she be mine once more if I tell her the truth?
I bite down on my lip as memories of her crying herself to sleep come to mind, her small frame shaking from the force of her sobs. If Alanna regains her memories, she’ll also be reminded of the pain she went through when she lost her father. I can’t put her through that. Besides, perhaps this is a blessing. It’s a chance to make her fall for me all over again, without the burdens of the past.
“I told you that I lost my memories when I was eighteen, right? I have no memory of anything before that point. I woke up in the hospital with no idea who I was or where I came from. I had a driver’s license on me that told me my name, but I could never recover my memory. In all these years, no one has come looking for me, yet I can’t help but feel like there’s someone out there.” She sighs and buries her face in my neck. “But maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”
“Maybe, but maybe it isn’t.” I hesitate for a moment and inhale deeply. “What would you do if you met someone who knew all about your past? If you were told about it, there’s a high chance you’d never recover your full memory, because there’d be a risk that your real memories would be overwritten by whatever you’re told, until you can no longer tell what’s real. Would you still want to know?”
Alanna hesitates, her finger drawing circles on my chest the way she used to when she was thinking. She might not remember anything, but she still behaves the way she used to. She’s still my Ray in every way that matters.
“No,” she says. “I have a feeling that the memories I lost are important and precious ones, and I wouldn’t want them to be corrupted. I’ve spent years by myself and I’ve done just fine without those memories. Even if I were given the chance, I’d rather wait for them to return to me naturally, without anyone manipulating them.”
I nod, unsure how to feel about her answer. “This person you dream about…” I don’t even know what I’m asking her. “Who do you think it is?”
She sighs and tilts her head. “I think it’s a man. I can only assume it’s an ex-boyfriend, but this would’ve been years ago. He never came looking for me in all this time, and he’s probably moved on.”
“Impossible,” I murmur. “I’m certain he never stopped looking for you, Alanna. There’s no way he would’ve moved on.”
She tenses in my arms, and I tighten my grip on her. “That’s sweet of you,” she whispers. “But we both know it isn’t true.”
She pushes away from me and sits up. “I’m sorry if I woke you up, Silas. Thank you for consoling me. I… I didn’t mean to — I wasn’t trying to…”
“I know.”
“You should probably go back to your room.”
I put my hands behind my head and glance at her. “I’m perfectly comfortable right here.”