“I’m worried that giving you too much space will result in me losing you forever. Besides, I’m not asking you out on a date. I’m just accompanying you to the bus stop. I just want a few moments of your time. You told me you feel like you don’t even know me, and all I want is to show you who I really am. I want to show you that the time we shared was real. I might have approached you for the wrong reasons, but I stayed because I fell for you. Maybe I’m being insensitive by ignoring your need for space, but I can’t take the risk of losing you completely.”
I pause and turn to face him, a slight drizzle coating my skin as Ryan opens the umbrella and holds it over us. Does he stand to gain anything by doing this?
“Alanna, if all I’ll ever have for the rest of our lives is your friendship, then I’ll take that. I need you in my life in some shape or form. I just want to show you that I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and if you’ll let me, I want to be part of your life.”
I nod, more confused than ever. I don’t think he’s lying, and when he’s standing here in front of me, all I’m reminded of are the good memories, the times we laughed together, the way he treated me.
Ryan leans in and cups my cheek, hurt and longing filling his eyes. “Do you remember our first date? We went back to the beach we met at. It was only meant to be a stroll, but we ended up watching the sunset together with a cheap bottle of wine from the supermarket. We spent hours chatting about our goals in life. The sun set, and the air cooled, so I wrapped my arm around you to keep you warm, and you smiled at me. That’s when I fell in love with you. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I did. I’ve been yours from that moment onwards. I told myself that it was all a game, but you and I both know that it wasn’t. Those feelings couldn’t have been faked.”
My eyes fill with tears and I look away, blinking rapidly as I continue to walk to the bus stop. That time at the beach was the first time I felt a real connection like that. Until that point, I’d been living my life trying to learn about my past, and in that moment, I decided to focus on the future instead.
“We’re here.”
He nods and takes my hand, wrapping it around the umbrella’s handle, his hand on top of mine. “Take this.”
I nod, my heart aching from the wounds he reopened.
“Does it upset you to see me? Do you truly want me to stay away, Alanna? Does our past really mean nothing to you anymore?”
I glance back at him as the bus stops in front of me and I collapse the umbrella. “I don’t know, Ryan. I really don’t know.”
He nods and takes a step back. “So long as it isn’t a no, there’s hope.”
I turn away from him and step into the bus. It true that I’m not sure about my feelings, because it really is hard to walk away from what we had, but I’m not sure I should be giving him any hope at all when there’s no way we could ever get back together. Not only did I sleep with his older brother, I’m living with him too. There’s too much standing between us now, and it isn’t just his lies and deception. It’s my treacherous heart, too. When my thoughts drift, it isn’t Ryan they turn to.
I’m absentminded the entire way home and barely even notice Silas standing in the hallway. “Where did you get that umbrella?” he asks, his voice strained.
I look up in surprise and glance back at the umbrella, guilt washing over me. “I… um.”
“Ryan gave it to you?”
I nod and take a second look at the umbrella. I didn’t realize it initially, but the Sinclair crest is on the handle.
“You were just with him.”
I nod again, struggling to face Silas. “He walked me to the bus stop.”
Silas leans back against the wall, his eyes roaming over my face. He’s so close, yet he feels so far away. There’s something in his eyes that makes my heart ache. It’s a sense of loss, a hopeless desperation.
“Come with me.” He grabs my hand and walks me back to the passenger elevator in the hallway. He entwines our fingers as we go down to the car park, his grip tight.
“Where are you taking me?”
He pulls me out of the elevator and points to a row of cars. “Pick any of these cars,” he tells me. “Drive any of them. I don’t give a shit if you completely damage every single one of them, but I don’t want you taking the bus anymore.”
“Silas, I… I can’t do that. Are you crazy?”
“Yes,” he deadpans. “I am crazy, and you’re going to do as you’re told.”