“Why?” I knew he wanted it. I knew he was holding back.
“Because you deserve to have your virginity taken on your wedding night and not like this.”
“That’s an old-fashioned, archaic view.”
“And I’m an archaic man when it comes to you.”
“But then you’ll never take my virginity.”
He cupped my cheeks, staring deeply into my eyes. “Eventually this boundary will fall too, as all my good intentions have toppled over, but let me try to be honorable with you for as long as I can.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to be honorable. It’s my choice.”
“You deserve so much better. You deserve to be worshipped like a queen.”
“Don’t you worship me?”
“You are a queen in my eyes. My shadow queen.”
“I’m gladly your shadow queen. I don’t need the light.”
“But you deserve it.”
“Make love to me.”
Silence settled around us. To make love you had to love. We’d never admitted our love for each other. Maybe because it would have been like salt in an open wound.
“Greta, I swore I’d not do this. I already went too far, farther than I promised myself.”
“Amo.”
“You deserve to give this to your husband.”
“You want me to be with someone else.”
“No,” he growled, fierceness twisting his face. “You are mine, only mine.”
“And are you mine?”
Amo touched his forehead to mine. “Every part of me that matters, my soul, my heart, my love, is yours. It’ll always be yours.”
“That’s enough for me. Make love to me Amo.”
I saw the conflict in his eyes but also desire and longing. He wanted this, we’d both wanted this for so long.
“Not yet,” he murmured but his voice was becoming less convincing.
I smiled against his mouth. “Okay.” Deep down I knew it wouldn’t have been the right time, not yet, but eventually it would come.
We kept kissing and I didn’t want this moment to end. I wished we could conserve it, until our next encounter.
When Amo left the next day, our goodbye hurt even worse than the previous time. Maybe because no end was in sight. After a deep breath, I got to work in the stables. Life had to go on. I tried to focus on the good: my animals, my family, ballet, and not on the part that was missing: Amo.
Over the next few months Amo managed to visit my sanctuary every three weeks. It wasn’t enough. It was better than nothing. It was safer than to meet more frequently and to risk someone getting suspicious. It was… hard.
Lying became second nature. My anxiety when I looked at my brother or father or mother and lied without hesitation never ceased, and I took it as a good sign. I didn’t want deceit to leave me cold. I wanted to feel anxious when I betrayed the ones I loved. I didn’t want this to become normal, even if it was part of my life for now and the unforeseeable future.
This meeting felt even more potent, because it was early December and possibly our last meeting this year.
“I’ll try to come here between Christmas and the New Year. I wish I could spend Christmas with you,” Amo murmured against my temple as we lay in bed after a delicious make-out session that had my core still throbbing from the aftermath of two orgasms. I could never get enough of Amo’s lips and tongue between my legs. Amo’s resolve was still strong and we hadn’t taken the next step. We enjoyed each other without sex, but I longed for an even deeper connection. I wasn’t sure if sex would provide it.
“I know you’ll be busy with your family over the holidays, just like me.”
I loved Christmas, the decorations—though some of the flashing lights that Gemma and Savio put up gave me vertigo—the food, the cheer. Our Christmases were always wonderful, but I knew this year, even worse than last year, I’d miss Amo. Christmas was meant to be spent with your loved ones…yet, he was thousands of miles away.
I didn’t want to think about it now. I tilted my head up and pulled Amo down for a kiss, my tongue sneaking in. Amo’s fingertips brushed along my spine before he cupped my ass cheek possessively. Our touches became more urgent.
Amo’s phone rang and he straightened with a groan then began fumbling in his pocket for his phone. Once he’d managed to pull it out, he slanted a look at the screen. “Maximus. He probably wants us to meet for drinks.”
I bit my lip. I wished I could meet Amo’s best friend. I wished I knew more about his daily life than what he could share with me. He told me more than he probably should, considering our families’ problematic relationship.