I clear my throat. “He took her during estrus. Impregnated her without claiming her. And when I arrived, he took me home to meet his Beta and demanded she raise me as her own.”
Or that’s the way the story goes from what I’ve been told.
“It didn’t go according to plan,” I continue. “My mother, the term one I use because I called her that as a child, hated me. Every time she looked at me, she was reminded of what she couldn’t provide my father. And I became her outlet for that hatred.”
I take Clove’s hand to trace a scar along my chest, the ugly white line hidden by my blue ink.
“The tats help hide some of her handiwork, but the texture is still there.” I shift a little closer and guide her hand up to my shoulder. “If you continue back, you’ll feel the scars of the silver belt she used on me. They’re light, as she wasn’t strong enough to do a lot of damage, but it was certainly enough. And she bathed me in silver infused water to keep me from healing.”
Clove’s features are ashen, her eyes rounding in horror. “And your father allowed this?”
“He said I had the spirit of an Alpha and could take the punishment for needing to exist.” The words sound flat to my ears.
It’s a past I haven’t considered for years, yet I live with every day.
“That’s horrible,” she breathes.
I shrug. Because what can I say to that? I know it’s horrible. But that doesn’t make it any less true.
“He killed her when I was seven, shortly after my wolf started to mature. Carnage Wolves don’t know their true designation—Alpha, Beta, or Omega—until their inner animal starts to grow, which is inspired by our first shift. Once my Alpha status was confirmed, he decided his work in this world was done.”
Truly, it was the result of insanity. He didn’t have a clan to ground him or an Omega to touch his heart. He went insane with misdirected power, unable to ground himself appropriately, and lost his fucking mind.
I explain some of that to Clove, using the experiment to explain why Alpha clans and Omegas are so vital to pack structure. “It’s all about balance,” I conclude. “A balance my father couldn’t achieve. So he killed his mate and them himself, leaving me without a home. Which is how I ended up with the Black Mountain Pack. Because my Omega mother was part of an Alpha clan there.”
I tell her about Alpha Umber and how he took me in, raised me alongside Tieran as though we were brothers. And I give her some insight into the fractured relationship between me and my birth mother, Gemma.
As Clove is new to the Carnage Wolf way, I also provide a little history about the bond between Omegas and their children.
Then explain how that very much doesn’t exist between me and Gemma.
Her eyes glisten with tears, her sadness over my situation prickling my insides.
I’m not used to having anyone care about me other than Tieran and Caius.
It feels nice to have Clove’s warmth.
Even if it’s under disappointing circumstances.
But maybe this helps her understand my desire for pain—it reminds me that I’m alive. Reminds me why we exist. Reminds me to enjoy every second as though it may be my last.
All things I tell her now.
Unleashing my every thought onto her and holding nothing back before finishing with, “So Tieran and Caius grew up witnessing my pain and anger. They were already best friends when I arrived, but they took me in, and the three of us grew up together. It didn’t surprise anyone when our clan formed. Although, Alpha Umber isn’t crazy about me being part of it.”
Her lips curl down. “He’s not?”
“No, he’s not. Because he knows I’m broken. Probably irrevocably. But Tieran’s wolf takes what he wants, and our beasts are well-matched.”
“I don’t think you're broken,” she whispers, making me smile a little.
“I am, but I embrace it rather than shy away from it,” I say, drawing her touch back to my chest, and pressing my palm to the back of her hand to hold her against my heart. “But Tieran doesn’t want to risk making it worse. That’s what I’m trying to explain—my history is why he won’t claim you yet. He doesn’t want to finalize our clan, then need to procreate with another just to fulfill his pack obligations.”
We’re all slaves to our inner beasts.
So while his wolf may not allow him to take another Omega right now, that doesn’t mean the animal won’t change his mind in the future.
Just like my father’s did.