I can’t help resenting part of myself. Here I am getting older, and I’m still as self-centered as ever. But I can’t change the course of my life no matter how much I want to.
And man, I’m really starting to want to.
I wake up the next morning to my dad cooking breakfast. We chat, catching up on the past few weeks since our last call.
“Son, I don’t mean to pry about the girl.”
“Of course, you do. I’m shocked you lasted five minutes without bringing her up.”
He runs a hand through his blonde hair, looking like an older version of me, except he ditched the short beard about ten years ago. “What the hell are you waiting for with Sophie? Girls like her don’t come around often.”
“We’re just friends.” I clench my teeth together.
“Right. Who believes that lie more? You or her?” A smile tugs at my dad’s lips.
I don’t like his level of insight into my problem. He passes me a plate of food before leaning against the counter.
“It’s not a lie. We’re friends who happen to hook up on the side exclusively. There’s nothing more to it. I took her out on a double date, and she slapped a label on it when the night was over.”
“You’re that bad of a date, huh?” My dad’s chest shakes from laughing.
“No. It looks like my reputation and the standards I set with women precede me. So, we’ve ended up doing everything as friends.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“We upped the relationship to friends with benefits a month ago.” No use withholding information when he used to be an absolute asshole back in his day before he met my mom.
“You know, that has to be the stupidest decision I’ve heard you make.”
My eyes narrow at him. “Gee, thanks.”
“Let me give you some advice. This thing with Sophie may happen once in your life. If you keep burying your shit deep inside of you, then you’ll have to deal with her leaving you in the end. For your own good, you need to let go of the negativity you have about your brother and Johanna. If you don’t, you’re going to be so stuck living in the past that you won’t be able to see your future. I watched how you and Sophie look at and act around each other. I sure don’t act like that around my friends. Your mother would hang me by the balls like a Christmas tree decoration if I did. So you need to ask yourself if you can deal with her walking away.”
“Who says she will?”
“You accept that contract with McCoy, and you might as well pay for her flight back home.”
“Ma told you?”
He tilts his head at me. “You bet she did.” Leave it to my mom to tell my dad about Rick’s deal. They’re tight like that, never having a secret between them.
I ignore the way my throat closes up. “I think they’ll agree to my exclusion of the Bandini clause. It’s ridiculous and archaic.”
“And if they don’t?”
“I don’t know…”
“Your mom’s supportive of your career and the decisions you make. But I think you’re a fucking idiot if you agree to a stupid term like that.”
My lungs burn at the thought of losing everything I’ve labored over for decades. Ever since I was a young kid, karting at three years old before moving up the Formula phases. It’s all I’ve known. Can I really risk my livelihood for another person, despite how she makes me feel, whether it’s lust or love?
Lukas shows up at the track at 10 a.m., ready to spend some bro time together. I’m not sure who was more shocked about the invitation, him or me. Since I keep my visits to Germany short, I rarely spend one-on-one time with him and his two little minions, Kaia and Elyse.
I ignore the sharp pain in my chest at the sight of them, happy and laughing while my brother chases them down the pit lane.
I hate to think I was wrong all this time, putting my brother in a category of widowed and depressed when he really was coping the best he could. In other words, I’m scared to admit I’ve been a shitty brother who distanced myself to save me from the pain of our past. Admitting I’m a coward doesn’t sit well with me.
Sophie’s words of wisdom bounce around my head, accompanied by self-doubt. Maybe she was right after all when she told me the only person losing from my lies is myself.
My nieces run around the garage, blonde ponytails bobbing while they pick up random tools. They don’t listen for shit. It reminds me of Lukas and myself, getting into trouble during our younger days.