It hit me like a punch to the stomach.
During my travels in here—the exploration and the fighting alike—something had been building in me. A sense of disconnect between the person I was becoming and the person I’d always imagined myself becoming.
In that moment, I was shocked—physically—by how badly I wanted to stay. I really loved it here. Exploring the belt? Going on grand adventures? And beyond that, fighting in the sky without the stress of losing those I loved? Being a hero, the best pilot in literally the entire universe?
“It sounds so nice,” I said to Chet. “Exploring, dueling…like…”
“Like a story?” he said softly.
I nodded. “Why do we remember the stories, Chet, but not our families? Why is that?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I wish I did.”
Together we turned to face the portal looming on the far wall. When I’d joined the DDF as a pilot, I’d imagined glorious battles and storybook heroism. I’d imagined new worlds to conquer. Instead I’d found pain. Friends dying. People struggling at the end of their stretched-thin nerves. I’d found complications, anger, fear.
I’d discovered I wasn’t a hero. Not like in the stories. But here…I could be that. And it felt so, so very right for me to stay and claim it. This place sang to me, like beautiful music from Old Earth. It vibrated my soul.
Didn’t I deserve to stay? Hadn’t I done enough? I’d saved Detritus from the bomb, and then from the delver. Wasn’t that enough for one woman? And now I had the chance to escape into a story…all the while providing a vital service to my people. I traded my future in the somewhere for holding back the destructive force of the delvers.
It was perfect. Except.
Jorgen. My friends. Could I…
“Chet,” I said, “you’ve always been afraid of the Path of Elders. Why?”
“I worry that if I walk it,” he said, “I’ll stop being myself.”
“Why?”
“Because every path we walk changes us, Spensa,” he answered. “This one more than most. Please, just think about my offer. Let’s not rush into this. There’s no harm in taking a few hours, is there?”
“No,” I said. “No, there’s not.”
He squeezed my shoulder in thanks, then bowed—something I don’t think anyone non-kitsen had ever done to me before—and quietly withdrew. I sat down on a box, looking at the portal. It felt wrong to be here and not discover what it had inside it. Yet…I hesitated.
It felt like I should know before I continued. Scud. Was I really thinking about turning away now?
Yes. I was. I remembered the pure joy of “sailing” across that ocean fragment with M-Bot and Chet. I remembered the thrill of discovering ruins that humans had built. I had loved the fights against Hesho, at least before buildings began appearing around me.
Being here was living an adventure. While being in the somewhere was… It was about pain. And scud, deep down, I realized I was so tired.
I’d been running since I could remember. Dashing from disaster to disaster. Desperately working to get into flight school, fixing M-Bot in secret, being a double agent on Starsight, confronting the delver…
It had worn me thin. Yet in here I’d found wonder, adventure, and excitement.
I sat there for a time, until footsteps scraping stone made me spin around. A large figure lumbered my direction, wearing a plumed hat. Peg smiled at me as she stepped up, a gun slung over her thick shoulder.
“The base is ours,” she told me. “Well and truly. I almost can’t believe it.”
“You earned it, Peg,” I said. “That was an amazing plan you put together.”
“Thank you,” she said, grinning. She nodded toward the portal. “Find what you wanted?”
“Both yes and no,” I said softly. “I’m honestly not sure yet.”
“I…heard that you might be staying.”
I glanced at her, frowning. In turn, she gestured toward the top of the wall. “Cameras,” she said. “I saw you two going this way, and had to make sure you didn’t accidentally open the portal and reveal what we’d done to the Superiority. I’m sorry to not give you and Chet privacy, but this is too valuable an asset for that.”
Right. Security officer. I tried not to feel offended. I mean, I hadn’t asked her to leave us alone—and she had a point about the portal.
“What would it take,” Peg said to me, “to get you to stay with the Broadsiders?”