I looked up, my eyes colliding into Liwei’s—and it struck me then with the force of a thunderbolt. What I had been struggling to understand. What I had fought so hard against before. What I had been afraid of knowing because its revelation might be my undoing. Such proud words I had spoken to him before, of honor and duty. Lies, all lies.
I was still in love with Liwei.
All this time I kept telling myself that my feelings for him were a remnant of the past, a lingering attraction. My pride did not let me cling to him, yet I did not want to let him go. I had told him to forget us, when I could do no such thing myself. Each time he came, a secret part of me rejoiced in knowing he still cared. My coldness to him was but a mask to hide my feelings, even from myself—that I loved him still and that I had never stopped.
I stepped closer to Liwei, almost trembling now. The faces of the soldiers blurred into the background; all I saw was him. With a wrench, I unearthed the secrets buried deep in my heart. If I did not tell him now, I might never have the chance again.
“I love you.” Tears sprang into my eyes. These I would not conceal or blink away. “I loved you then. I love you still. I tried to forget you, to destroy my feelings. But I failed.”
Something heavy loosened in my chest and fell away, a burden I had not realized I bore till now. Gazing at him, I was lost for a moment in our past. Through the stagnant air of this putrid cavern, I could almost smell the sweet scent of peach blossoms.
I yanked myself back to the present, to the danger. Liwei’s eyes were fixed on mine, his lips parted to speak—but I shook my head in warning. Lady Hualing appeared transfixed, her face alight with anticipation. Was this not what she had accused me of? Did she hope Liwei might reject me? That I would join her, bitter and distraught? It would satisfy her craving for revenge to have me turn on Liwei—validating all she had done, all she had become, because of her own tainted love.
I would give her no satisfaction today. I did not want to end up like her, engulfed in spite and hungering for something I could not have . . . until it destroyed me. Those nights when my pain was at its sharpest, it would have been so easy to slide into resentment and hatred. Yet as much as I loved him, I loved myself more. And as I was discovering, there was no end to love—it was something which grew and renewed endlessly, expanding to encompass each new horizon. Family. Friends. And other lovers, too—none of them the same—yet each precious in their own way.
I spoke to Liwei, raising my voice to be heard. “I have no regrets. I will always cherish what we had together. I do not resent your happiness with another, and I could never wish for your death.” This was the moment, there might not be another. My insides writhed as I met Lady Hualing’s furious stare. “I am not like you.”
“You stupid, sentimental fool.” Bright red spots blazed from Lady Hualing’s cheeks as her eyes squeezed into slits. She was shaking now, was it with disappointment or rage?
Quick as a flash, I drew my bow, flame streaking through my fingers. It struck her chest with blinding light as she staggered back—the acrid smell of burnt silk and flesh throttling the air. But then her magic surged out in a glittering stream, extinguishing the fire with a hiss. The soldiers lunged at me, their weapons gleaming in the torchlight. I ducked, whirling aside, another arrow springing from my fingers—only to strike the shield that sprang up around Lady Hualing now. As she flicked her fingers, an earthy smell wafted forth like rotting leaves in a forest. Thick vines shot out, coiling tight around my waist and slamming me against the ground. Blood gushed from my temple as my bow was snatched from me. Sprawled on the ground, I tried to catch my breath as the beaded tip of a brocade slipper prodded my face up. Lady Hualing peered down at me, her lips curled in a smirk, a charred rip in her robe where my arrow had struck—though the skin beneath was smooth, already healed over.
She was strong. I had failed. And now, she was livid.
“How noble you are, loving him yet releasing him to another. Cherishing your past and forgiving the pain. Are you so self-sacrificing to risk yourself for a love that is no longer yours?” she jeered, making a mockery of my confession. “Let’s see how your principles fare when you’re truly tested.”
A guard grabbed my arm and hauled me to my feet. Two others dragged Liwei to where I stood. Black metal bands still encircled his wrists, binding his powers—and how I cursed missing my earlier shot. Liwei’s gaze never left mine. Seemingly oblivious to our peril, they glowed with all the warmth and tenderness I remembered.