A hundred considerations twisted and wound through me, now all tugging me in the same direction. I would go with Liwei. Not from duty or obligation, but to protect him—my friend—and those I cared for in the Celestial Kingdom. To help save the innocent girl I had spoken with. And if this did not win His Celestial Majesty’s favor and the talisman I craved—nothing ever would. This would be my final step along this path before I began anew, and I would leave with a cleared conscience.
I met his gaze. “I’ll go with you.”
“Thank you.”
As he took a step toward me, I moved away. “I’ll go with you,” I repeated. “However, I ask that you conduct yourself within the bounds of propriety from now . . . as though our past does not exist.” These cold words stung me, too, but I could not allow another moment of weakness to muddle my resolve.
“What if you’re improper toward me?” A shadow of a smile formed on his lips.
How easily he slipped back into being my teasing friend of the past. But I could not allow even that. “We cannot continue this way,” I said in a low voice, trying to stifle the lingering desire which slid into me at his nearness, the guilt and shame that burned a hole in my stomach. “I will help you and Princess Fengmei. But you have your honor and I have mine. And there is none to be found in what we did. You are betrothed now—your heart is hers.” The memory of our kiss flitted through me, unbidden. Our last—I told myself fiercely—a door closed, a final farewell.
His face was ash and shadow, his eyes stripped of light. It was then, I knew I had done it . . . severed the last frayed thread of our bond. He was silent as he inclined his head to me, before walking away. I did not look up, not wanting to see him leave. My words had struck true—a fatal blow, a swift death. Yet it was a hollow triumph, leaving a bitterness in my mouth and a clawing ache in my chest.
Sleep evaded me that night. Plagued by restlessness, I clambered up the pillars outside my room. A gentle breeze stirred the air as I sat on the cold jade roof tiles, staring at the sky. The moon shone down through the darkness, its light gentle and soft.
Something rustled—Wenzhi, pulling himself over the ledge. He flicked his outer robe aside as he sank down beside me.
“I waited for you today.”
“I’m sorry. Today was . . . eventful.” I hated the way my words stumbled as though I had something to hide. Oh, you do, my mind whispered.
“I can’t go with you to the border,” I told him.
His jaw tightened, yet he showed no surprise. Had he already been briefed by General Jianyun?
“Don’t go with Prince Liwei.” He spoke with sudden urgency. “It’s too dangerous. Immortals shun the Eternal Spring Forest for good reason. Since Lady Hualing’s disappearance, rumors abound of the place—of dark enchantments and hostile creatures, of misery and death.”
I shrugged with an indifference I did not feel. “I’ve faced monsters, by your side, no less.”
His sigh misted the cool air. “Don’t you have any regard for your own safety?”
I frowned, a little surprised by his insistence. “How is this more dangerous than Xiangliu? Governor Renyu? Or the Bone Devil?” I rattled off, trying to ease his concern.
“Because I won’t be there. What if something happened to you?” He paused, “Don’t you care how I feel?”
His concern touched me, though I would not be swayed. “I do. But I can take care of myself. Regardless, it’s been decided. We leave tomorrow.”
“Why do this?” he demanded. “It doesn’t matter what General Jianyun commands when we’ll soon leave this place. Why endanger yourself needlessly? Surely it’s not out of loyalty to the Celestial Kingdom.”
I pulled my back straight, needled by his words. I could protect myself. In the past, I had come to his aid as often as he came to mine. And his taunt that I bore no loyalty to the Celestial Kingdom . . . I needed no reminder for that. I served here because I had believed this would lead to my mother’s freedom. The training I received, the reputation I built, the lives I took—all this was a means to an end, as had been my entire time here.
Yet I heard, too, the worry which wrenched his voice. I tried to explain. “I’m not doing this because I was commanded to. Prince Liwei asked me to help him. I could not refuse.”
Wenzhi’s face darkened. “Are you still in love with him? Is that why you’re risking your life to save someone you care nothing for? Have you forgotten that he left you for another?” His harsh words lashed out like a whip.