I blinked fast so I wouldn’t cry. I wasn’t strong. I was lonely and scared and I’d run straight into Miller’s arms. What had I done?
“James needed me,” he said again. “I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I couldn’t leave him alone, even though he wouldn’t even let me in his stupid house. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He pulled me closer like he was scared I’d disappear.
Part of me just wanted to forget everything. Drunk Matt was somehow even more endearing than sober Matt was. And clearly I wasn’t strong. Because I was seriously considering dropping the whole subject without questioning him more. I tried to stop smelling his cologne so I could think straight. “What did you do with Rachel?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone. She and James got in a fight at some dumb party this summer. And she came to me crying. I went to give her a hug because I hate when people cry. Baby, I hate when you cry.” He pulled back and stared into my eyes. “I hate that I make you cry. I just want to make you happy.” He reached out and ran his thumb beneath my eyes even though I wasn’t crying.
“Matt, focus.” I grabbed his hand. “What happened with Rachel after you hugged her?”
“She freaking kissed me. She kissed me and I pushed her away. But Wizzy must have seen. And she thought something else had happened. But I swear, Brooklyn. I didn’t kiss Rachel back. I didn’t sleep with her. I don’t want anything to do with her. I love you. I’ve only ever loved you.”
“Matt.” My voice cracked.
“James hates me. He won’t listen. And Rob believes him over me. I lost my best friends. I don’t want to lose you too.” He hiccupped. “I should have tried to explain it to you before I ran after James. But he’s like a brother to me. And I didn’t want to lose him. But I lost him anyway.” He hiccupped again.
“I’m sure if you explained…”
“Explained what? That I didn’t kiss his girl? Fuck that, he kissed mine. You’re mine. He’s not allowed to kiss you.” Matt ran his thumb along my lower lip. “Mine.”
My heart didn’t stand a chance with him. “You swear you didn’t sleep with Rachel?”
“Mine,” he said again. It was like he was entranced by my lips.
“Matt, focus. You didn’t sleep with James’ girlfriend?”
He lowered his eyebrows. “No. Why does everyone keep saying that? Why does everyone think I’m a monster?”
“I don’t think you’re a monster.”
“Yes you do. You don’t answer my texts. I’m a monstrositor. Monstrocitini. No. That’s not it.” He snapped his fingers. “Monstrosity.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He wasn’t a monster. He’d gotten caught in Isabella’s path just like I had. I didn’t know how to explain the last week. I should have looked at my phone. But I was angry and hurt. “I was terrified living at the Pruitts’。 And you disappeared on me. You didn’t explain to me what happened. You just let me sit there thinking the worst. I thought you hadn’t been keeping the secret to protect James. I thought you’d been keeping the secret to protect yourself. And you didn’t care that you had to keep me a dirty little secret in the process.”
“No. No.” He grabbed both sides of my face. “Didn’t you hear my song? You’re not a dirty little secret. That was what the song was about. I should really sing it again…”
“Matt. You made me feel like one.”
“No. No, that’s not how you were supposed to feel. You’re supposed to feel loved. Because I love you.”
“I didn’t feel loved. You acted like you loved me in private. But then whenever we were in public you treated me like nothing. Like I was invisible. No one should be treated the way you treated me. That wasn’t love.”
He breathed in and out slowly, tickling my skin with his breath. “I’ll love you out loud then. I’ll tell you all the things I love about you right now. I love how soft your hair is. And I love that you put me in my place when I’m an idiot. I love that you laugh at my jokes even if they’re not funny.” He laughed like his own comment was funny and then looked serious again. “I love playing football. And barbeques are great because of all the burgers. Wait, I’m supposed to be talking about you.”
He took a deep breath. “I love the way you look at me. I love the way you look when you look at me…like your whole face lights up.” He put his hand on my face, covering my eyes. “Oops.” He removed his hand. “I think I probably look like that when I look at you too. And I love your skin.” He ran the tip of his nose across my cheek. “It’s even softer than your hair. And you always smell like fresh air. Even when it’s hard to breathe in the city. I love that you don’t care about money like everyone else in my life does. I love that you haven’t asked me once what I want to be when I grow up. For the record, I want to take over my dad’s company but he’s going to give it to Mason. Which isn’t really fair because I think I’d be really good at it. But I won’t even get a chance. A few months ago I even did a SWOT analysis for why he should be doing more digital advertising than traditional print advertising. I made a stupid slide show and everything. And he told me he didn’t have time to even see it. Digital advertising is the future and he doesn’t believe in me enough to even hear me out.”