Her cheeks looked flushed. Do you think her cheeks looked flushed?
Noah just up and left?
And COME ON—they didn’t even order us food?
I offer a pathetic little wave then turn and have tunnel vision on the exit until I reach it, push through the door, and escape out into the night.
Chapter Twelve
My head is a mess of confusing thoughts. Outside the bar, I’m trying to think so hard and so fast—to make sense of the last few minutes—that I actually get a headache from it. Or maybe that’s just the aftereffects of the sun, and the shot, and the zero calories I’ve put into my body since lunch time.
For the last few years, Noah has been a constant in my life. Through hard breakups and moves, my dad’s cancer scare, and a bad set of bangs, he’s been my counterpart. My other half. My dependable nemesis.
Tonight might have changed that, and I only have myself to blame.
Like someone teeing up the perfect joke, I delivered myself to Noah on a silver platter. He couldn’t resist taking things as far as he did. I behaved poorly, and he one-upped me. This…this was the worst thing he’s ever done.
There have been a few times in my life when I’ve felt soul-crushingly sad or lonely. When I didn’t get invited to Lauren Valentine’s birthday party in the fifth grade, which included a limo ride to a Jonas Brothers concert and produced a bevy of inside jokes I was forced to endure for the next year of my life. Sorry, Audrey. You had to be there. When I didn’t get into my top-choice college that all my friends were going to, I thought it was the end of the world. When I didn’t land that job at a publishing house in my early twenties, I thought I was a loser and a failure, especially when I had to move back in with my parents for a few months （okay, a year） because I couldn’t make rent in the city. When I walk through the streets of Rome tonight and pass a couple sitting on a stoop, sharing a bottle of wine and leaning into each other, laughing, silly, in love, it hurts to look at them. It hurts to realize how far I am from being part of something like that.
Tonight, I was kissed, and it was real-life fairytale magic. Pixie dust included.
Then, I realized it was actually nothing. A farce.
A harsh reminder of how lonely and alone I am.
Back at St. Cecilia’s, I stand in the hallway outside Noah’s door with my hand clenched in a fist. Knocking would be so easy. Taking us back to baseline would take no effort at all.
Hey, let’s forget about the bar. In the morning, you can tease me and I’ll act annoyed and everything will be right in the world. How ’bout it?
But my fist won’t move.
I can’t do it.
My feelings were really hurt tonight.
Noah kissing me like that, making me feel like he could…maybe…it doesn’t matter. It took our antics to a level we’ve never ventured to before. It was cruel, and I can’t yet forgive him for it. Maybe also, deep down, I’m not ready to forgive myself either.
I let my hand fall back limp by my side and turn for my room, closing my door softly behind me. I strip out of my dress and put on the comfiest clothes I can find. I consider texting Kristen and Melissa about everything, but I know they’d have no patience for me. At this point, they’ve heard me complain about Noah far too much.
You provoked a snake, and the snake bit you.
It’s not even been a full week here in Rome and everything has gone to shit.
I knew something like this would happen if Noah and I co-chaperoned this trip. We can’t be left alone. We’re like two children who need constant minding. Put us in a room together and you’ll return to find the place on fire.
It seems like for once, there’s no clear path forward.
I suppose I could bail on this whole thing, call Principal O’Malley, tell him I can’t do it after all and I need to come home. But where would that leave the students and Noah? I can’t just up and abandon them. Today was rough at the Roman Forum, but I know the kids are having such a good time here. There’s also the issue of the bonus money, which isn’t all that important, but it’s something. One more reason to stay.
I’m being a coward, really. I’m only thinking about leaving because I don’t want to face Noah in the morning. I wish I could slink away into the night, but I can’t just up and flee back to the States, holing myself away on a cargo ship. I have more than two weeks left here in Rome and I need to make the most of them. I’m in Europe! Surrounded by culture and good food and fine wine! Weird situation with Noah and failing love match with Lorenzo aside, I’ve enjoyed my time exploring the city on my own, and I feel like I have so much left to see and do here. That’s where I need to focus my attention.