Stars, I’d ruined everything. “That’s not true!” I said. It came out louder than I wanted it to, my voice overpowering Adi’s as she called for order.
“That’s not true,” I said again, and the senators began to quiet. Several of them had scrambled over the backs of their seats to use them as shields. “We’re not here to hurt you,” I said. “We only want you to understand that we have tools to fight the Superiority. It is possible for us to beat them, but only if we work together.”
That was a lie on two fronts. I hadn’t done that on purpose as a display of power and I didn’t know if we really had the power to defeat the Superiority, even together.
But Saints and stars, I was in it now. “I understand. It’s a lot to ask for you to side against the Superiority. I know they have better ships and better technology. But that’s been true since long before I was born, and my people have been successfully resisting them for eighty years! We don’t know anything about you or your culture, but we know about them, because we have fought them and we have survived. We don’t want what happened to us to happen to anyone else. We don’t want anyone else to be hunted, to have to live in hiding, to be killed in droves every time you so much as stick your heads out of the ground.”
The kitsen’s eyes widened as they watched me, and several of them laid their ears back in what I thought might be fear. I didn’t know if it was still me they were afraid of, or the Superiority, but I’d made this mess. I’d insisted on coming here. I’d scudding lost control in the middle of the most important diplomatic meeting I’d ever been in, and stars, I had to fix it.
“You may feel like you have peace and prosperity here, but Kauri is right. The Superiority is trying to make a deal with the delvers, and they’re going to come for anyone who opposes them. This might be our last chance to resist before they have the power they need to control every planet in the galaxy. How long do you think your planet will last without allies?”
FM put a hand on my arm, and I startled. Scud, was I messing this up? But beside me, she smiled and nodded.
Keep going, Alanik said in my mind. You have to convince them.
The kitsen watched me in shock, but not one of them had complained yet that I was speaking out of turn.
I didn’t know if I could convince them, especially after what I’d just done—stars, what had I done?—but I had to try.
“We tried to reason with the Superiority,” I said. “They offered us a treaty, and we sent a delegation to sign the deal.” My throat closed, but I spoke through it. “The Superiority offered us peace and then locked our leaders up in a ship and blew it to pieces. Half our government is gone. I will not fight you, because I have had enough of senseless violence and death. If you want, we will collect our people and go. But before we do, I want to offer you the opportunity to join us. The UrDail already have! The Superiority made a deal with the UrDail—and then visited their planet with a battleship bent on destroying them. This new Superiority government, that’s what they do. And if you try to reason with them, they’re going to come for you, too. And I don’t want to see it happen again. Not what happened to—”
My voice broke.
“—to my people.”
To my parents.
The room was so hot, but my hands felt cold. My vision blurred. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I had to get out.
“Thank you,” I said. And I stood, my neck bent to avoid hitting my head on the ceiling, then moved in a crouch down the aisle and got down on my hands and knees to crawl through the double doors out of the chamber.
The cool air hit my face, and I squinted against the bright sunlight.
I turned toward the beach, careful not to step on anyone or anything, and ran away as quickly as I dared.
Nine
I made it almost to the water before FM caught up to me. My calves burned from moving so quickly across the sand, though I’d been out of breath since before I left the senate.
“Jorgen,” she said.
I didn’t turn around.
“Jorgen!” She caught me by the shoulder, spinning me around. My thoughts raced, and I felt like I could just keep spinning.
What the scud had I just done?
I’d shot a bunch of mindblades at a group of politicians. I’d sat in so many of those kinds of meetings growing up. I knew how to behave, how to hold everything in, how to present a calm front no matter what was going on inside.
Why did I have to go and do that?
“Jorgen,” FM said, “this has to stop.”