“I didn’t want to leave them,” I said. “If Alanik hadn’t pulled me out, I would have died there.”
FM closed her eyes. “Thank the stars for Alanik then.”
I couldn’t say this next part. I couldn’t bring myself to form the words, especially not to FM.
Maybe it would have been easier if I had died there.
I looked out over the ocean.
I couldn’t think like that. My flight needed me. Cobb needed me. We had to figure out how to reverse whatever the Superiority or the delvers had done to him and get him back in charge of the DDF.
FM was right. My parents’ deaths weren’t my fault. But all the ways I was failing everyone now, falling apart when I should have been leading—
That was squarely on my head.
I stood up and brushed sand off my flight suit.
“You aren’t done talking,” FM said.
“Yes,” I said. “I am.” I couldn’t sit here being useless. Maybe FM was right. Maybe talking could change how I felt, but it didn’t do anything to help everyone else.
I couldn’t indulge in that. I couldn’t be useless. I’d already lost Spensa, lost my parents.
I couldn’t let it happen again, not to anyone else.
“Maybe for now,” FM said. “We’ll talk more later.”
Scud. I’d answered her questions. Wasn’t that enough?
I was almost glad to see Alanik headed my way with Nedd and Arturo. Juno floated along farther behind them. I didn’t want to answer their questions either, but at least they weren’t going to probe me about my feelings, especially in front of the kitsen.
“Dude,” Nedd said when they drew near. “Did you seriously explode?”
“Shut up, Nedd,” Arturo said. “But, did you?”
“I already told you what happened,” Alanik said, looking annoyed. “You didn’t believe me?”
“We believe you,” Nedd said. “We’re just incredulous.”
“That word literally means ‘unable to believe,’？” Alanik said. “Is there a translation error, or are you making fun of me?”
“Neither,” FM said. “They’re just idiots.”
“Yeah, it’s true,” I said.
“That they’re idiots?” Alanik asked.
“Sometimes,” I said. “But I did…explode.”
“That is awesome,” Nedd said. “I mean, not the part where you threw around deadly mind weapons at a political summit. That seems bad.”
“Bad” didn’t begin to cover it, but there was also something off about it. Juno finally caught up to us, which was good, because I wanted his opinion on this.
“Why didn’t I hurt anyone?” I asked. “When I startled Boomslug, he cut me up.”
“Your mindblades are ill-formed,” Juno said. “You need training to make them sharper, stronger.”
“I don’t want them to be sharper,” I said. “I could have killed somebody.”
I waited for one of them to tell me I was being overdramatic.
They didn’t.
“When Kauri said you wanted to learn about the shadow-walkers,” Juno said, “she didn’t tell me you were one. I have spent my life studying their texts, their lore, their ancient wisdom. You have strength, but you need control, and I can teach you if you will consent to be taught.”
“What about your senate?” I asked. “Will they allow it?”
“The senate has taken a recess,” Alanik said. “They want to think about the things you said, and then they’re going to convene in the morning to make a decision. In the meantime, they say we’re free to transport Cobb and Gran-Gran home to Detritus.”
“Okay,” I said. “We need to take care of that first.”
“I can handle the transport,” Alanik said. “You can go with Juno, as long as you promise to fill me in on what you’ve learned later.”
“Okay,” I said. “You hyperjump Gran-Gran and Cobb to Platform Prime with the medical crew.” Hopefully Cobb and Gran-Gran would recover faster with our medical resources at home. Then they could tell us what had happened to Gran-Gran’s powers. I turned to Arturo and Nedd. “You two help her get them there safely.”
“Of course,” Arturo said. “We’ve got this.” And they all headed toward the hospital tent.
“I’ll go check on the others,” FM said. “And see what kind of accommodations we can find for the night. We may have to sleep in our starships, but I guess Spensa did that for most of flight school, so it can’t be too bad.”