She walked away, leaving me alone on the beach with Juno, who hovered up until he was at eye level with me.
“I have studied mindblades all my life,” Juno said, “but I had never seen them before today. Tell me, human. What you did, was it a stunt? A display of power? Were you trying to intimidate them?”
“No,” I said. “I just…lost control.”
“If I may ask,” Juno said, “control of what?”
I blinked at him. “Of myself,” I said. “Of…”
Of this unstoppable, unknowable force that wanted to rip its way out of me. I’d been taught all my life to feel shame for the defect, never to speak of it. I’d spent so long wishing I could keep up with Spensa, with Alanik, wishing I wasn’t so hopeless at using my powers—wishing I could harness them to protect the people I loved.
But somehow I’d still never made this connection: I was dangerous.
“I want to learn how to control them,” I said.
“Good, then,” Juno said. “Come with me, and we’ll see what we can do.”
Ten
“Breathe in, breathe out,” Juno said. “You are now completely relaxed.”
I was far from completely relaxed. I sat cross-legged on top of the cliff above Dreamspring while Juno hovered on his platform in front of me, reading from a book that he said contained the ancient exercises used by kitsen cytonics. He’d changed into a set of power armor that covered every part of him except his ears, his eyes, and his nose. The terrain up here was rough and rocky, the orange stone warm beneath me. We’d chosen this location because the tops of the cliffs were unpopulated; if I managed to produce a mindblade, there was no one around to be hurt by it but Juno, and he swore it was his sacred responsibility to put himself into the line of fire.
I didn’t know how much his armor would help against a mindblade, but he’d insisted on wearing it anyway.
And it did look badass, I’d give him that.
“I thought this was supposed to focus on mindblades,” I said. “Not breathing.”
“Patience,” Juno said. “According to the wisdom of the ancients, in order to achieve control, you must first accept that you have none by bringing yourself into alignment with the will of the universe.”
“I can’t both achieve control and have none. That’s ridiculous.”
“It is the way of the shadow-walkers,” Juno said. “It is the way the ancients channeled their power, and the way that you must channel yours.”
I sighed, interrupting the “continuous breathing” that Juno insisted I try. That didn’t make sense to me either—I was pretty sure every creature with lungs used “continuous breathing” to stay alive, so why was that something I needed to practice? Spensa had figured out how to hyperjump and Alanik could do it with ease, and I was pretty sure extra “continuous breathing” had not been involved.
Then again, it wasn’t any more ridiculous than kneading bread while wearing a blindfold, and that had been oddly helpful.
It changes you, FM had said. I still wasn’t sure I’d done a great job of talking, but maybe I could be better at this. Breathing was easy, so what did I have to complain about?
“Let’s begin again,” Juno said. “Close your eyes.” And instead of telling him this was a waste of my time, I did.
“See yourself walking along a beach,” Juno said. “With each breath, the waves wash in, and the waves wash out.”
Less than a day ago, I would have had no idea what Juno was talking about. But now I could picture myself on the beach. I could practically hear the churning of the ocean, the strangely mechanical white noise produced by so much water moving at once.
“Feel the wind on your skin,” Juno said. “The heat of the sun as it burns down from above. Hear the sounds of the waves as they lap upon the shore. Smell the salt in the air and the rotting of the seaweed washed up on the beach as it slowly decays.”
“That’s disgusting,” I said.
“Yes,” Juno said. “But it is the method of the ancients. And you’re not supposed to speak during the exercise.”
“Sorry,” I said.
“You walk forward and stand in the ocean. Feel the water as it washes against your feet. The temperature is pleasant, not too warm, and not too cool.”
If Spensa were listening to this, she would embellish on it.
I laughed.
“Is something funny?”
“No,” I said. “Just imagining the ocean running red with the blood of my enemies.”