My mother lives comfortably now, but she’s grown used to it, and it’s brought her no greater happiness. It never brought my father any either.
And for me, it is an insult. I hate it. I hate the power it gives to those who don’t deserve it, and the lives it steals for those who are a slave for just a little of it. I hate the greed, and the thirsty deeds done to acquire it, and the fear and the bitterness it inspires in those who don’t have it.
I hate everything it stands for.
It’s not a God, but a runner-up to blame for a lot of life’s cruelties.
I lay on Roman’s bed, on the stark white comforter, and stare up at the ceiling. Despite my need for something, closure, or just the necessity to grieve properly because I was denied, I’ve caused more damage to myself.
But I asked for it.
And now I’m lying in the bed I made.
In truth, I got some of what I came for, answers. And I fight myself to be satisfied with that.
Last night, getting physical with Tobias only opened an old wound and helped us bleed out a little faster, but the truth is, we are bleeding out. He’d ended his relationship, but that meant nothing if he couldn’t accept us. And his words and actions last night only told me he never would.
It is love, but it’s love lost, no matter who’s to blame, and it’s time I face it.
Fighting with him brought me back to life in a way, and having him inside me, no matter how angry he was, was proof that nothing or no one can take his place. His touch will forever be the only touch I’ll ever want.
I turn on the bed and gaze out the window wondering why the men in my life could never embrace or fully trust the love I harbored for them.
Had I made it so hard?
Briefly, just briefly, I imagine what my life would have been like if I’d had a father. One who loved me as a father should. Who did more than support me financially.
I never had it rough as far as life went.
But when it came to a father’s love, I just…never had it.
I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.
But just for a few seconds, I do. I mourn that girl who grew up knowing she was an obligation.
A lowlying simmering anger trickles into my subconscious. I lift to sit on the edge of the bed as it starts to engulf me whole.
Fuck them all.
All of them.
I wasted my heart—wholly, completely. I wasted it, and it will never be mine again. I’ll never be whole.
I want to take back the years I spent hoping and praying for some returned affection. For the days and nights, and years, and months and hours and minutes, I questioned myself, my existence, and lost myself in them all.
I resent my father and my love for him.
I resent the men who made me.
I wish I never met any of them.
“FUCK YOU!”
In a burst of anger, I clear off the top of Roman’s dresser scattering mail and his cologne bottles.
Just as fast as it comes, it ebbs, but it’s there, it’s always been there, my pride, my self-respect, all that I had put aside just to give my fucking a heart a chance.
And for what?
I’m a lover who got nothing in return but a broken heart and tattered self-image. I betrayed myself for the chance of being loved.
“No more! No more!”
It was never worth it.
But I am. I am worth it.
I didn’t ask him for anything, but why did he have to make it so fucking painfully clear that he didn’t love me?
I’m the daughter of no one.
How could my mother love a man so cruel?
How could I follow in her footsteps and fall for a like-minded man, whose agenda, role in life came first over my affection?
Money. Power. I’d give it all up just to make myself whole again.
The smell of cologne permeates the room, and I open one of the windows before I kneel to pick up the glass from the broken bottle. I open his bedside drawer to place the pieces in and see a letter resting underneath a watch box. I study the thick envelope and pull it from beneath the box. The note atop of it is addressed to me.
Cecelia,
I’m everything your eyes accused me of being. You were better off.
Forgive me,
Roman
I pull it out and open it. In seconds I recognize the writing. It’s from my mother.
Roman,
I’m sorry I bombarded you the way I did. I’ve humiliated myself in a way I’ll never be able to forget. Please forgive me.
I came back after all these years to apologize. To thank you for all you sacrificed for me while carrying hopes of the girl you banished from your life.
You still haven’t married. And that gave me hope. I always secretly wondered if my lingering feelings were returned. I hope you’ll forgive me for reaching out to find out.