“He made us go without all those years! He regarded you like you were nothing, treated you horribly. You call that love?”
“I call it penance. Sit down, Cecelia.”
I walk up to where she stands, her scars shining in her eyes as she pleads with me to listen to her.
I take one of two seats that case a small garden table in between and grab her wine.
“Fine. Talk. And I swear to God, Mom, if you leave anything out, this will be our last conversation.”
I don’t miss her faint, pained smile. “You’re so much like him in a way. Eyes that convey so much and at the same time cut so deep. But you’re horrible at hiding your feelings. You have too much heart to be anything but a beautiful and loving woman, no matter how much it hurts. I like to think that’s me I see.”
“I don’t consider it a blessing. I’m nothing like you.”
“Oh, baby, you’re so much like me. You love blindly and foolishly, and there was no way to keep you from experiencing it for yourself. I knew when you were little, you’d inherited my heart, and there was no way to keep you from loving the way you were created to love. There was no way to stop your heartbreak. You think I haven’t seen the change in you? You think when I look at my own daughter, I don’t notice you’ve been irrevocably changed by it? I taught you exactly about the heart you have long before you gave it away.”
“Don’t credit yourself for being a parent to me the last seven years.”
“I deserve that. And a lot worse. But it’s your father who saved me from that fate.”
“Tell me.”
She stubs out her cigarette and faces me. “He was a bastard, hard-nosed, straight-edged, power-hungry, money-hungry, and damn near impossible to penetrate. At first, I thought I was just a distraction for him, you know? And he made me believe it for a time. He was too focused on creating an empire to worry about a nineteen-year-old who had no future other than that damned plant. I knew it was stupid. I knew it was reckless to love him the way I did, and God did he make me question my sanity on more than one occasion. But then, one day, everything changed. It was as if he gave himself permission to love me back. We hid our relationship well. Your grandmother was oblivious. It was hard. In fact, I only confided in one person the whole time we were together. A gorgeous French woman by the name of Delphine.”
I damn near let the glass slip from my hand but manage to bring it to my lips and take a large sip.
“We bonded because she felt out of her element, she had moved from France a few years before, followed a man to America, and married him. But the first time she showed up to work with bruises…I could just tell she needed someone to confide in. And honestly, with your father, I did too. He was so secretive, so hard to love. It was as if we both needed permission to love them and found it in the other. As wrong as it was, we were both victims of our foolish hearts. We became great friends.”
She swallows and pulls another cigarette from her package.
“She was the only one who knew?”
Mom nods, taking the glass from me.
“That night…the night of the fire Roman and I had a huge fight about…you. He didn’t want me to keep you, and I refused to let him strong-arm me into aborting.”
“So, he never wanted me. Big surprise.”
“Not in the way you think. It had little to do with him not wanting to be a father.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Cecelia, you came for an explanation. One you deserve. Let me talk.”
“Fine.”
“We fell hard. We were very much in love when you were conceived. So much so I thought…I thought him proposing was a real possibility. But it happened so fast. So fast. One minute I was his distraction, the next, he made me feel like his obsession. And it was the best I’ve ever felt in my life aside from the day the doctor put you in my arms.”
She flicks her ashes as I soak in the still water of the lake.
“Back then at the plant, there were a few labs, with specific and strict safety guidelines—and newly trained—I just wasn’t thinking. That fight we had was horrible. I thought your father a monster that night, questioned all my reasons for loving him. I couldn’t believe just how multifaced he was,” she swallows, and her eyes water. “Anyway, I was distracted. Distraught, so much so I just wasn’t aware of anything or anyone around me. I was tormented about the idea that he wouldn’t have me if I kept you. I was so in love with him, I considered it, it was only a split second, Cecelia, but I did. And I hated him for it.”