He brushes the hair away from my shoulder as I fight the onslaught of emotions his gentle touch causes. How many times had he touched me this way? Visibly shaking, I white knuckle the door frame to keep myself from buckling.
“I just…really wanted to see you.”
“Can’t do that if you aren’t looking at me.” He gently takes my chin in his hands and turns me to face him, and my tears spill in rapid succession. In his eyes, I see the remnants of the man who looked at me not so long ago with nothing but adoration, love, lust, and longing. I see it all in those seconds, the love we had, the love we distorted, our friendship, our season together—my golden sun. So much to say, and the fear I may never get it out, that he may never want to hear it.
“I still think about you, Cecelia. It’s impossible not to.”
Unraveling, I bite my lip to control my shaking jaw. I still feel so much for this man. But this is the part I swore I’d let myself have, let myself feel, let myself confess. I owe it to both of us. “I can’t tell you…” I let myself get swept away by his gaze and the vulnerability he’s allowing me to see. His eyes are swimming with our memories, more than that, with love. He’s giving me more precious seconds, and I can’t for the life of me look away or deny his gift. “I-I-I-,” I swallow. “Me too.” The floodgates open, and emotions overwhelm me. Sean was the first man I ever truly loved, and one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known. “Are you happy?”
He gives me an easy nod, even with his eyes brimming with emotion. “So fucking happy, Pup. I am.”
“G-g-ood. I’m so…I just, I never got to say goodbye,” I choke out. “I never got to say goodbye and,” I sob in my hands briefly and feel his arms surround me. “You were my best friend, more than that, so much more. Everything got so fucked up, and I just, God, I missed you for so long. You were my first love, and I loved you, Sean. I really loved you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Fuck that,” he murmurs, pulling my head to his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I never reached out after it happened, I’m sorry I let him get between us, that I wasn’t man enough to…I blamed you, but it was easier. I fucked up too. But I was so…lost, so fucking lost.”
“I know,” I whisper, “me too.”
“I never wanted you to hurt, I hope you believe me,” he whispers to my temple.
I nod, gathering my fragments and ash and trying my best to get it together. “I do. And if you’re happy…that’s all I want.”
“I’ve got a wife I don’t deserve and two beautiful kids I never, ever thought I’d be capable of loving the way I do. I named my boy after Dominic, and the little bastard acts just like him. It’s a curse, but I’ll always have a piece of him,” he drawls, his voice laced with regret, and longing. “Just like I’ll always have a piece of you,” he strokes my back in the soothing way I’ve missed for so long, “And you will always have a piece of me.” He pulls back and cradles my face in his hands.
“But I can see it. You still haven’t let go. You have to let go so you can get your happiness too. You were never to blame. Never. And I know if Dominic could, he would tell you the same. It was his decision. And he loved you.” I nod and nod as he wipes my never-ending tears. “I regret a lot of shit from back then, a lot, but I don’t regret you. I loved you then and now, and I always will.”
Our eyes lock as a part of me rips while a larger part of me heals. I feel the first stitch and the sweet relief that comes with it. He leans in and presses his forehead to mine, our pained breaths mingling. “Deep down, even though I have everything I’ll ever want, more than I could have ever expected for myself, some part will always wish it was me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as tears coat my lips as I gaze up at him. “I sometimes wish I would never have met him, never laid eyes on him.”
“Don’t be. It played out the way it was meant to. You were always supposed to be his secret to keep.”
It’s the first time I’ve hated his honesty, hated the truth. “You know I’ll always love you, too.”
He lifts his chin, eyes shimmering with our mistakes. “Yeah, I do. Go.”
He releases me, his gentle gaze probing, begging me to do the same. I nod and step away as he widens the door, and I slip into the car.
In the next breath, I’m turning over the engine as he stands outside the window. I don’t look at him, but I know he’s peering into the car, stuck in the past with me, where I brought him, remembering me, remembering us, regret as heavy as his hand that lays flat on the window. It’s when I put the car into gear and check the rearview that I see the glint of something familiar, something that once belonged to me. Lifting my hand, I pinch the symbol between my fingertips, tempted to ask the question but deciding it’s better left unanswered. I release the necklace hanging from the rearview just as Sean steps away. I refuse to look at him, for fear any resentment slips back into place. I’m taking his love, all that he could spare me as I pull away, hopeful he recognizes the piece of me he will forever own.