And that’s when I know we’re both lost in a similar way.
I’d pegged him as well as he had me.
Because in that respect, we are a lot alike.
It occurs to me that the night he broke me down, ripped my life apart so intimately, it wasn’t because he knew the details, it’s because he understood the sacrifice. We both have, and still are putting off our own lives to take care of the people we love. He’s just been doing it far longer than I have.
“Dominic and Sean are the only two people I’ve ever fully trusted.” He runs his thick fingers through the grass. “It’s not their fault.” He shakes his head. “I get that. They didn’t know how much it would…”
“Hurt,” I finish for him. “How much it would hurt you.”
“But that’s not on them. It’s on me. I expected them to be just as dedicated on every level…I expected too much.”
Never in a million years would I dream of seeing his side of things. Never did I want an explanation. Never did I want to see his black heart start to beat red. But it’s here I understand him, his logic, and even worse, I empathize.
“You still trust them, Tobias. And you know you can.”
“I do trust them—with my life. But I just…I was jealous.” He takes a sip of wine and glances at me. “I still am.”
“Tobias, you can change it. Right now. You can make a decision—”
I shift my gaze to his, but the look he’s returning has my tongue going dry, the words failing me. Swallowing, I tear my eyes away as I draw steadying breaths.
“I have a place,” his tone is faint. “It’s near Saint-Jean-de-Luz. My biological father took me there when I was very young. It’s only a flash, an image of being there, being happy. That’s it—a blink. But I went back a few years after I graduated college, and I felt it. It’s the only other place on the planet I’ve felt as at peace as I have here. So, as soon as I could afford it, I bought a piece of paradise right on the water and began building. It was finished a year ago, and I haven’t set foot in it.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t deserve it.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“No. It’s still a dream, and it’s untouched. It’s my finish line. I have to earn it to get there. I’m not done yet. But, if I’m being honest, I’m scared of going there.”
“Why?”
“Because when this is over, I’m going to have to find a way to live with myself, with the things I’ve done. The things I’ll continue to do. Because this is my only plan.”
He turns to me, his expression haunted. “But I dreamt it up here, all of it, right here where we’re sitting. Saint-Jean-de-Luz exists. And it’s there when I’m ready for it. And now I’m sharing my place with you, so,” he implores me with the sweep of his eyes, “what is it that you want?”
“It may seem silly, but I want Paris.”
“That’s too small, too easily attainable. Think bigger.”
“I want to have a say.”
He nods as if he understands. “Then you’ll have a say.”
“I want my own kind of sanctuary.”
“Then you’ll have it. Keep dreaming. Keep planning. Dream a thousand dreams and then make a thousand things happen.”
He pulls the wine from my hand and sets his glass down next to it.
“Poof.” I smile, the wine thrumming through my veins. “Just like that.”
“No,” he pulls my hand onto his thigh and flips it over, sliding his palm along mine. Dizzied by his touch, my body springs to life as he strokes my hand lightly with the pads of his fingers. An inch of his thick hair sags across his forehead, and I itch to touch it when his brows pinch together. “After you dream, plan, that’s when the work begins. And that’s where it gets the most complicated, your plans can get convoluted, your dreams may get watered down and grow more distant, seem out of reach, and sometimes, sometimes you lose sight of what’s important and hurt the people who rely on you. Others might get hurt in the process.” Our eyes lock with his confession. “And when that happens,” he swallows, “it might make you question who you are and just how far you will go.”
No matter how much I want to, I can’t look away.
“Cecelia,” his voice dips and my name has never sounded so beautiful coming from a man’s lips. I sit mesmerized by all he’s revealed, unbelieving this is the man I met. “I’m sorry. Truly, for the things I’ve done to you. What happened to you today—”