I’m so distracted by the sudden wave of emotion, it takes a few seconds to tune into his words. “Grief isn’t a straight line, I guess,” he’s saying. “Some days I still see Emily in signs. I still sometimes dream of her, or I get a memory that’s so vivid that it just — makes the world disappear. And some days, I don’t think of her at all. And those are the worst.”
I sit up straighter. He’s talking about Emily? Now? The last time we brought up the idea of him discussing grief on the podcast, he clammed up and stormed out. So why is he doing it now?
“How would you say losing a partner differs from a break-up?” Josh asks. A shiver runs down my back as his deep, cool voice burns through me.
“When you break up with someone, you can make them the villain,” Zack says. “Bitch about them. Your friends will all tell you that you’re going to find someone better, or whatever. You can move on.” He takes a deep breath. “I have nowt but good memories of Emily. I never broke up with her. I never stopped loving her. So when I started falling for someone else, it felt like I was cheating.”
My eyes widen as his words echo through my head. When I started falling for someone else. When I started falling for someone else.
Oh my God.
“You must have known that you weren’t, though,” Josh points out. “Realistically.”
“Yeah.” Zack’s voice is creaky. “I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve anyone else. She was The One for me, and I lost her, and that was that. I…” He trails off, coughing. “Shit. Sorry. Need a minute.”
“It’s not exactly the same thing,” Luke cuts in smoothly, his warm voice soft in my earphones. “But I had a similar feeling after my divorce. I’d been in love, I’d had the marriage and the house, I had my chance at a proper family, and I blew it. I couldn’t make my first wife happy, so I didn’t deserve another one.” He pauses. “More than that, though, I completely, one-hundred percent believed that I would grow old with my ex. I thought I’d had the fairytale ending. And when you believe something that deeply, and it falls apart, how can you ever trust your feelings again? I’d already proved that I couldn’t hold a marriage. Why go through the years of heartache?”
He trails off, and there’s a soft dinging sound. “That’s another hour mark,” Josh says. “Thank you all for listening and messaging in. For those of you who are just now joining, this is the start of hour seven of our apology livestream. If you need a recap —”
“We screwed up,” Zack says. “So bad.”
“Yeah,” Josh says. “As you all know, we recently ran a segment called ‘The Fake Date Experiment’， where the three of us fake-dated our co-host to help her become better at dating. Unfortunately, it backfired pretty badly when all three of us started to fall in love with her.”
I sit back in my chair. It feels like a pile of bricks just landed on my chest.
Zack snorts. “Mate, ‘fess up. You already were in love with her. You had hearts in your eyes whenever you looked at her.”
Josh takes a deep breath. “Yes. I’ve loved Layla for a long time now. Well before she first joined us on this show. But I never told her. We’d been friends for years. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.”
Tears fill my eyes. The bartender passes by and gives my wine glass a cautious look, obviously making a mental note to cut me off. I smile at him weakly.
“I think I fell in love with her the first time she opened up to us about her past,” Zack says. “She had, like, tears in her eyes, and I remember thinking… ‘I’ll do anything to not see her cry again’。” He’s silent for a moment. “Then I made her cry even worse. God, what a prick. What about you, Lukey?”
“It was a gradual thing, I think,” Luke says. “I didn’t realise until I invited her to my ex-wife’s wedding.”
“We wouldn’t normally air personal issues like this,” Josh adds. “But when you make a public mistake, I think it’s unfair to expect someone to accept a private apology.”
“Plus, she won’t answer our calls,” Zack adds. “So we don’t exactly have a choice.”
“Right. Speaking of…” Josh’s voice hardens. “Rumours have been going around that Layla was unfaithful to one, or all of us. These are untrue. We were the ones who were dishonest. We led her on, then refused to admit we were falling for her. We hurt her, not the other way around.”