Ken took his sunglasses off and closed his eyes. Why was he closing his eyes! He had a boat to sail! There were two more bottles of wine in Ken’s cooler! Grandma was still saying things to Lou. Lou waved at me to tell me I should come over there. I walked slowly, all crouched over and weaving, to where Grandma and Ken were sitting at the tip. Her diuretic’s kicked in! said Lou. I timed it badly! yelled Grandma. I forgot about the time change! Jesus Christ, I said. I said it quietly like a person in the movies who’s all alone in a farmhouse with aliens landing, like Mel Gibson. California is supposed to be relaxing. If you two were to each hold on to an arm of mine I could sit on the edge of the boat and pee into the lake! said Grandma. No! I said. Ken and Jude looked at me. Now they could see I was bossy. I prayed that everyone would be too drunk to remember this day but not so drunk they would die. Lou said there was a motor on the boat. He said he’d take down the sail and we could speed back to the dock. Hang on tight, man, he said to Grandma, and I held her tight too. Lou didn’t know about the arthritis in her hands.
Maybe you should tie me to the mast! Grandma shouted. Like my friend Odysseus! She winked at me. She was still drinking! If we tied Grandma to the mast and we tipped, she’d drown. I could hear Mom’s voice in my head saying, Why the hell did you tie Grandma to the fucking mast!
Everybody was laughing. Seagulls were screeching away and Lou and Ken were moving around on the boat doing things. Jude stood up in the middle of the boat to take a picture of me and Grandma. To send to Mooshie! she yelled. Smile, Swiv! If I didn’t smile for the picture Mom would think I was sad and dying.
Lou loved everything that was happening, even though he was supposed to be suffering. He got the sail down and sat beside us and rolled a cigarette in the wind without letting any of the tobacco fly away and put it behind his ear. He squeezed Grandma’s shoulder. He had a thread tied around his wrist. His eyes were exactly the same colour as the sparkling lake. Beautiful, man, he said. Beautiful day. I’m so glad you guys made it out here, man, he said. I hope Mooshie can come out too someday. With Gord! We’d told him about Gord. Gord, man! he said. Grandma hugged him again. She was in love with her nephew! Maybe that was okay because he was also very old.
We zoomed back to the dock. Jude squeezed in between Lou and Grandma. Now she wanted her turn to hold Grandma. Everybody loves to hang on to Grandma. Just before we got to the dock, Lou looked at me. He pointed at something far off behind me. Wow, look at that, he said. I turned around to look. Maybe it was the Hollywood sign. I couldn’t see anything. When I turned back, Lou was gone! He’d jumped overboard! He was splashing around in the lake making loud screeching sounds like the seagulls. He went under the water and then shot up high into the air and all his hair sprayed water everywhere while he screamed. Jude took his picture. Ken laughed. He’s always doing that, man. Scared the everloving shit out of me the first time! Lou swam back to the dock. He climbed up a swaying ladder. His long hair stuck to his face and neck and shirt. What about your cigarettes! I said. Oh fuck, man! he said. And my Zippo! It’s an antique!
Ken and Jude helped Grandma back on to the dock. Ken pushed and Jude pulled. Now that’s teamwork! said Grandma. Hoooooooo. She stood on the dock nodding and smiling and breathing. Then she asked Jude, Now where do you put MAScara again? Jude said, On your eyelashes. That’s right, said Grandma. That’s right! It was a crossword puzzle clue she’d been trying to figure out. Why wouldn’t she stop talking! She and Jude and Ken walked towards the parking lot where there was a washroom. Lou tied up the boat and put the life jackets in a box under the seat and closed the cooler with all the wine and lifted it out of the boat. I stayed with him. I heard Ken and Jude and Grandma talking while they walked away. Grandma was saying she should have jumped in the lake like Lou and peed while she was at it. She said she was very sorry for cutting everybody’s boating trip short. She could barely talk. She said she … Was. Very. Sorry … for … cutting ever … y’s boa … ting trip … short.
Grandma had saved everyone from alcohol poisoning death. I would have somehow lived but with survivor’s guilt. I imagined Mom meeting me at the airport and saying, What the fuck gives, Swiv, where’s Grandma? Meanwhile, Ken and Jude were saying to Grandma, No, no, no, it was long enough. We could do it again tomorrow!
Lou announced he’d walk all the way home because he was soaking wet and didn’t want to get Ken’s car wet. Jude said well if he hadn’t jumped into the lake. Lou smiled. It was worth it, man! he said. But you lost your Zippo! I said. I know! he said. He pretended to cry. Then he stopped. He had more Zippo lighters at home. He’s got a lot of stuff at home, Ken said. It was only five miles to Lou’s house. Ken said he didn’t care if Lou got his car wet. Lou said nah, he wanted to walk. He’d stop off at his buddy’s place for a beer and a smoke along the way. He’d dry off in the hot air.