Jesus fucking Christ.
I know exactly what happened, and there's no way I can tell Atlas or Gabe about it, not without a whole lot of fallout and arguing.
I keep my eyes closed so that neither of them realize what I'm doing, but I reach out to North by myself. My bond said I projected into Nox’s head accidentally while I was sleeping. I saw something there, and she is keeping it from me so that he doesn't get upset about it.
North walks back into the bedroom with a furious look on his face, but it isn't directed at me. I already know without a word between us that it's more about whatever it is that happened to his brother than it is about me overstepping.
He directs a stern look at Gabe and Atlas. “You two can go down to the Tac Training Center. Gryphon was going to let you sleep in, but if you're awake, you might as well get back to training.”
Both of them look as if they might argue with him, but I climb back into the middle of the bed without a word and they both seem to realize that I need some space and that North is just slipping back into his usual bossy demeanor to get it for me.
Once they're both out of the house fully, North climbs onto the bed after me. He's wearing nothing but a silky pair of boxer shorts and that same frown on his face.
I feel guilty as hell.
“I’m sorry. I didn't mean to.”
He answers without hesitation, “I know, Bonded. I know that the girl who wouldn't look into Atlas’ memories because you were respecting his boundaries, even when there was a chance he was betraying us all, would never cross that line. I just don't know how Nox is going to take this… if he already knows about it. If he doesn't, then we can never tell him.”
I don't like the idea of lying like that to him about something so important, but North has a much better view of the situation, and I trust his opinion.
I nod and then duck my head back into his chest, lying down fully with him and letting the steady beat of his heart underneath my ear lull me back into a sense of peace.
North is silent for a long time but then when he speaks, his voice is a low rumble beneath my cheek. “His nightmare would have pulled you in. If we're going to stop this from happening again, we need to make sure that he's not sleeping at the same time as you are, because the only way to get him to sleep without dreaming is for him to go to sleep intoxicated. I can't have him turning into an alcoholic again. None of us can live through that again.”
I didn’t know it was that bad.
Trauma? Absolutely, I knew he had trauma. Like Atlas has said before, you only need to look at him to know that something happened to him, but I didn’t realize he was still facing it daily like that.
All of my trauma is packed up neatly into little boxes in my head, marked clearly with red tape and labels that read ‘warning: do not open’。
I can’t imagine living it over and over again like that.
I swallow roughly and nod. “I can switch to sleeping during the day. Take up a night shift somewhere. Maybe I'll head down to the Tac Training center and start training there as much as possible.”
North's hand buries itself into the long tresses of my hair where it’s spilling down my back. “Nice try, Bonded, but no one is going to accept you not being in this bed every night. Nox has been going through the books that we got from the Hail Mary, so there's no reason that I can't convince him to take up a night security position somewhere while he's researching. I'm used to him sleeping on my couch during the day with his hangovers. It won't be any different.
The Hail Mary.
My mind drifts to Joseph and the surety that Nox had about bringing the little boy back to the Sanctuary with us. “Do you think the boy was the thing that triggered the nightmare? I've never seen Nox like that before.”
North sighs and rubs a hand down my back. “I can say with almost certainty that that's what it was, Bonded. I'm sorry that it's affected you. I'll do what I can to fix it, I promise.”
Such a heavy weight that North carries for his entire Bonded Group, his community, and his beloved brother, so broken inside.
North attempts to coax me into staying in bed for the day, worried about the shakes that take over an hour to dissipate, but there's no way I can just sit around.
I already know that things are only getting worse for everybody in the Sanctuary. Gryphon has been recruiting more members for the TacTeams, but without letting new people in in our safe little haven, that’s a fairly impossible feat. We’re already using up all of the resources that we have on the repairs to the town. Everything is moving along slowly, and even with Gabe and Atlas going back to working on other people's houses during the day and finishing off the last of our rooms at night, it still is going slowly.