I was when it came to her.
“I do. I enjoy every part of you. Even the dark parts. Even the ones you’re scared of. I might tear people apart, but I enjoy putting you back together, Lamb. I want to do that for the rest of my life.”
She shook her head. “You’ll change your mind.”
The knock on my door sounded and her eyes widened. Then she wiped her face while swearing and moving toward the door all at the same time.
23
Feel Your Heart Break
Delilah
I held the handle and took seven deep breaths. Seven. I could pull together a million lies and bury a million emotions in seven breaths.
Just seven. It was all I needed.
I swung open Dante’s door. I might have hesitated, taking one extra breath before my world crumbled. This was it. They were going to complete this operation, and that meant things were going to change.
They had to.
Twins and siblings are always on one another’s radar. We might live our lives separately, but there’s always a tiny worry or thought of what the others are doing. We are each other’s responsibilities. We are family and intertwined—sometimes in ways we don’t want to be.
I didn’t want to worry about Izzy.
Still, seeing her standing there reminded me that I had been. Tears were already in my eyes when I opened the door, but they poured out on seeing her there, even if I was furious with her, even if she was furious with me. I held open my arms, and her brow furrowed before she sighed and rushed into them.
At first, our muscles were taut, stiff, and uncomfortable. Our relationship hadn’t been nurtured or watered lately, and we’d already broken a ton of branches from our tree before she got out of jail.
Yet, I squeezed the girl with my same genetics so tight, as if I could consume her. Three minutes apart in age. Just three minutes. Somehow, we’d grown miles apart, but it didn’t matter.
We might have been very different, but all the moments we’d shared rushed back as I held her. We’d lost the same teeth within the same month, failed the same test questions in middle school, and hated the same freckles that popped up on our noses in the summer. We both cried when our mom put us in separate rooms because our sleepovers were out of control. We both giggled when we snuck into the other’s room late at night. I’d been the only one to defend her sobriety, but I was ashamed as I pushed her back to arm’s length to stare into her hazel eyes, just a bit browner than mine.
“Sober as a fucking judge, Izzy,” I whispered. “I knew you were, and then I questioned it.”
She wrinkled her nose and then smiled. I swear the sun shined brighter, flowers bloomed, birds chirped, and society perked up. Her hair was a bit longer than mine, her curves a bit sharper, her eyes a bit bigger. We looked the same, but she stole the attention from everyone in the world with that smile.
“I won’t apologize, Lilah.”
I sighed and shook my head. “You should.”
“Fine.” She shrugged and looked over my shoulder at Dante, winking at him before saying to me, “I’m sorry you were in jail for two whole days.”
“That was a long time for me.” I sounded appalled as my eyes darted back to Dante and then to her. “And that’s not what I mean. You could have told me or called me once in jail!” My voice broke as I said it. I rolled my lips between my teeth, trying not to let the emotions through.
“I couldn’t. You know I couldn’t.”
“You hid so much.” It was an accusation, and we all heard the pain in my voice.
She nodded. “I get that. I do. I have to live with it, and I’m sorry for that too. I won’t be sorry for doing it though. It saved me.” She said the words softly. Then she dragged in a breath, looked past me again, and said, “He saved me.”
She walked around me to get to him, but I stood there frozen.
Her voice. The hitch in it, the tone of it, the way it shook. I knew that voice. I knew it because it was my own when I whispered it softly at night … the scariest thing I’d ever felt: my love for him.
I loved Dante.
And my beautiful twin did too.
It felt like my heart had bottomed out in my stomach, like my mind swooped around and stuttered to a halt as it short-circuited over the revelation.
I placed both hands on my stomach; I took the breaths; I tried to channel that calm that Dante always seemed to find.
Still, I didn’t turn to face them as they talked. I couldn’t make out their words as my world dimmed, tilting horrendously off its axis. The tunnel was speeding toward me full force, not going toward the light but toward the dark.