“Was shitty.” I stopped her because I needed her to know she wasn’t off the hook. “You used me.”
“In my defense, mom really did want to see you and us traveling together attracted less attention. I didn’t know we were going to get caught, but it was the best thing that could have happened. I made some connections in there, and now we’ll get him. They don’t suspect a damn thing. I mean, some of them did … but Dante and Cade were able to clean up a few loose ends.”
“Ends or people?” I whispered as I lifted a brow at her. It hurt that he was probably sharing all this with her and not me, that I was in love with a man who shared more of his life with my sister than he did with me.
“You realize that’s Dante’s job, right?” She chewed on her cheek before facing the issue head-on—not like she would have done in the past when she was using. She would have avoided it for weeks and weeks. “If you’re sleeping with him, you should know that, Lilah.”
“I don’t want to talk about that right now. First, you.” I pointed at her. “Mom and Dad and our brothers, Izzy. They’re all so scared for you. I was scared for you. And all this time, you embraced that lie for a job.”
“For my life, Lilah. There’s a difference.” She sat back like she couldn’t believe me not understanding. “If I can’t do this, what good am I? Don’t you get that?”
“But you were gone. Our family’s hurting. I’m hurting, trying to defend your fake lifestyle and your sobriety.”
She picked at a nonexistent chip in the table and didn’t look at me when she said, “You were always the strong one, Lilah. You were strong enough to deal with my shit even when I wasn’t. You figured out how to get over my addiction and then believed in me right when I got out of juvie. Even when I didn’t believe in myself. You were strong enough to deal with this too.”
“Strong enough?” The question bellowed out of me. The word still tasted like rancid filth in my mouth. “Strong enough? I could barely open my eyes in the morning, let alone get out of bed back in college. I wanted to die.”
That thought and the fact that my family probably wouldn’t miss me made it all the simpler for it to fester and grow. And grow it had, until it was such a weight that there was no way to move out from under it.
“You fell into drugs, and I lost a baby. A baby, Izzy.”
“A … what?” Her gaze snapped to mine. “When? What are you talking about?”
I bit my lip, and then the story flew out of me. “All cards on the table,” I murmured and shrugged at the end of it. “And I think the baby would have loved me more than anyone. More than people loved you because I truly was so scared that no one could. Mom and Dad and Dom and Dex and Declan and Dimitri … and Dante! God, all of them loved you. They couldn’t stop talking about you. And I know that’s terrible,” I choked out, tears streaming down my face now. “But, Jesus, you’d think with a twin I’d never be lonely, and yet, I felt lonelier in those moments than I could have ever fathomed. And it’s embarrassing. I was supposed to be strong enough for you. I was supposed to be able to shoulder your pain, but I couldn’t because I was going through my own.”
I took a breath, gasping for it, giving her an opening, but she didn’t say a word. She waved for me to carry on.
I did. It was like the words wouldn’t stop. “And who knew depression is like a drug, too? It eats away at your happiness, it makes you not the person you want to be, and it guilts you into thinking you can never resurface from it. God, the guilt. And the fear that I’ll fall back into it.”
“Lilah, you’re so strong.”
“So are you! You struggle with your addiction.”
She tried to deny it.
I cut her off, though. “Don’t feed me the bull. You put those opioids right in front of you to tempt fate with that job. You must have. You went into the industry where they’d be in your face daily. I get it. You want to make sure you’re strong enough to deny yourself. That’s strength, but I’m so scared of falling back into depression that I’m avoiding anything that will even make me happy.”
“Like Dante?”
“Izzy, no.” I shook my head and stood from the chair so fast it flew over.
“You love him.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head fiercely. I was scared I’d push her to the edge or that I’d fall over it too. I didn’t need her concerned that I’d fallen for the man she most likely loved.