“Would you stop me if I did?” I asked.
“Would Vikter?”
I frowned, not even sure I wanted to know why he’d asked that, but I answered honestly anyway. “I know Vikter cares about me. He’s like…he’s like I imagine my father would have been if he were still alive. And I’m like Vikter’s daughter, who never got to take a breath. But he would stop me.”
Hawke said nothing.
“So, would you?” I repeated.
“I think I would be too curious to find out exactly how you planned to escape to stop you.”
I coughed out a short laugh. “You know, I actually believe that.”
“Will she report you to the Duke?” he asked after a moment.
Pressure settled on my chest as I looked at him. He was staring out the window. “Why would you ask?”
“Will she?” he asked instead.
“Probably not,” I said, lying all too easily. The Priestess probably went straight to the Duke. “She’s too busy with the Rite. Everyone is.” As the Duke would be, so I might get lucky and at least have a delay between now and when I would inevitably be summoned. Hopefully, that meant that Hawke would also get lucky. If he were removed from his post, it was unlikely that I would ever see him again.
The sadness that thought brought forth meant that it was far past time to change the subject. “I’ve never been to a Rite.”
“And you’ve never snuck into one?”
I dipped my chin. “I’m offended that you’d even suggest such a thing.”
He chuckled. “How bizarre that I could think that you, who has a history of misbehaving, would do such a thing.”
I grinned at that.
“You haven’t missed much, to be honest. There’s a lot of talking, a bunch of tears, and too much drinking.” His gaze slid to mine. “It’s after the Rite where things can get…interesting. You know how it is.”
“I don’t know,” I reminded him, even though I had an idea of what he spoke of. Tawny had told me that once the ritual of the Rite was completed, and the Mistresses and stewards took the new Ladies and Lords in Wait, and the Priests left with the third daughters and sons, the celebration changed. It became more…frantic and raw. Or at least that was what I’d interpreted from Tawny, but it seemed too bizarre to imagine the Ascended being involved in anything like that. They were always so…cold.
“But you know how easy it is to be yourself when you wear a mask.” His voice was low as his gaze held mine. “How anything you want becomes achievable when you can pretend that no one knows who you are.”
Warmth infused my cheeks. Yes, I did know that, and how kind of him to remind me. “You shouldn’t bring that up.”
His head tilted. “No one is close enough to overhear.”
“That doesn’t matter. You…we shouldn’t talk about that.”
“Ever?”
I started to say yes, but something stopped me. I pulled my gaze from his. Outside the window, the violet-hued butterfly bushes stirred softly in the breeze.
Hawke was quiet for several moments before asking, “Would you like to go back to your room?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not particularly.”
“Would you like to go out there instead?”
“You think it would be safe?”
“Between you and me, I would think so.”
The corners of my lips lifted. I liked that he’d included me, acknowledging that I could hold my own. “I used to love the courtyard. It was the one place where, I don’t know, my mind was quiet, and I could just be. I didn’t think or worry…about anything. I found it so very peaceful.”
“But not anymore?”
“No,” I whispered. “Not anymore. It’s strange how no one speaks of Rylan or Malessa. It’s almost as if they never existed.”
“Sometimes remembering those who died means facing your own mortality,” he said.
“Do you think the Ascended are uncomfortable with the idea of death?”
“Even them,” he answered. “They may be godlike, but they can be killed. They can die.”
Neither of us spoke for several minutes as servants and others passed behind us. Several Ladies in Wait had stopped and pretended to take in the view of the garden while talking about the Rite, but I knew they were lingering near where we stood not because of the stunning flowers and lush greenery or because it was so rare for me to be seen, but because of the beautiful man who stood beside me. He seemed unaware of them, and even though I kept my gaze forward, I could feel his stare every couple of moments. Eventually, one of the Mistresses came along, shooing the Ladies away, and we were left alone once more.