“Yes. I don’t like the idea of—”
“Being knocked out senseless?” she finished for me. “It’s really not that bad, Poppy. You rest very deeply, and honestly, with as little sleep as you manage, I think it would be good to at least try.”
The mere idea of taking something that would put me in such a deep sleep that it would take an army marching through my chamber to wake me made me sweat. I would be rendered completely helpless, and that was something I would never allow to happen.
“So, what did you do?” A pause. “Or should I ask, where did you go?” Her eyes narrowed as I became enraptured in the fine trim of the napkin. “You snuck out, didn’t you?”
In that moment, Tawny proved that she knew me just as well as I knew her. “I don’t know why you’d think that.”
“Because you don’t have a history of doing that?” She laughed when I glanced up at her. “Come on, tell me what you did. I’m sure it’s more exciting than what I was doing, which was listening to Mistress Cambria prattle on about how inappropriate this Lady or Lord in Wait is. I pled a viciously upset stomach just to be able to excuse myself.”
I giggled, knowing that Tawny would’ve done just that. “The Mistresses are a lot to handle.”
“That is being too kind,” she remarked.
Grinning, I picked up the cup of creamed coffee. The Mistresses were servants of the Duchess, who helped her run the household but also kept track of the Ladies in Wait. Mistress Cambria was a dragon of a woman that scared even me.
“I did sneak out,” I admitted.
“Where did you go without me?”
“I think you might be upset when you hear where.”
“Most likely.”
I peeked up at her. “The Red Pearl.”
Her eyes widened to the size of the saucers scattered across the trolley between us. “Are you serious?”
I nodded.
“I can’t…” She appeared to take a deep breath. “How?”
“I borrowed one of the maid’s cloaks, and I used that mask I found.”
“You…you devious little thief.”
“I returned the cloak this morning, so I don’t think you can call me a thief.”
“Who cares if you returned it.” She tipped forward. “What was it like?”
“Interesting,” I said, and when she begged for more details, I told her what I’d seen. She was enthralled, hanging on every word I said as if I were sharing with her the actual ritual that completed the Ascension.
“I can’t believe you didn’t take me with you.” She fell back in her chair with a pout, but then sprang forward once more. “Did you see anyone there you recognized? Loren claims she goes there nearly every other evening.”
Loren, another Lady in Wait, claimed many things. “I didn’t see her, but…” I trailed off, unsure if I should tell her about Hawke.
I’d left no more than ten minutes after Hawke had, relieved to find that Vikter was also nowhere to be seen. Neither was the strange woman who knew more than she should. I’d done everything in my power not to think about what had happened in that room with him.
Which meant, I failed the moment I returned to my bed. I’d lain there until exhaustion claimed me, replaying everything he’d said…everything he’d done. I’d woken with the strangest frustration, an ache in my chest and lower belly.
“But what?” she asked.
I wanted to tell her. Gods, did I ever want to share what’d happened with Hawke with someone. I had a hundred questions bursting to be let out, but last night was different. I’d crossed a big line, and while I didn’t feel like I had debased myself or done anything truly wrong, I knew that my guardians wouldn’t agree. Neither would the Priests and Priestesses. Going to the Red Pearl was one thing. Sharing myself in any form with another was a totally different matter. That knowledge could be a weapon.
I trusted Tawny, but as I acknowledged before, only to a certain degree.
And even though the mere thought of Hawke made my stomach tighten into dozens of little coils, it wasn’t something that would ever happen again. When I saw him during the City Council sessions, he wouldn’t know that it had been me he’d called Princess. He’d have no idea that he’d been my first kiss.
What we’d done…it belonged to just me.
It had to stay that way.
I exhaled slowly, ignoring the sudden scratchy lump in my throat. “But many were wearing masks. She could’ve been there, and I wouldn’t have known. Anyone could’ve been.”