There was a lot that I hadn’t told her.
The suspicion in her gaze grew as she studied me. “What haven’t you told me? Has he said something to you before?”
“When would I have had a chance for him to speak to me?” I asked weakly.
“As much as you creep around this castle, I’m sure there is a lot you overhear that doesn’t actually require you speaking to someone,” she pointed out and then stepped forward. Her voice lowered. “Did you overhear him say something bad?”
I shook my head.
“Poppy…”
The last thing I wanted was for her to think Hawke had done something wrong. That was why I blurted out what I did. Or maybe it was because I had to say something. “I kissed him.”
Her lips parted. “What?”
“Or he kissed me,” I corrected. “Well, we kissed each other. There was mutual kiss—”
“I get it!” she shrieked and then took a visible deep breath. “When did this happen? How did this happen? And why am I now just hearing about this?”
I plopped down in one of the wingback chairs by the fireplace. “It was…it was the night I went to the Red Pearl.”
“I knew it.” Tawny stomped her slippered foot. “I knew something else had happened. You were acting too weird—too worried about being in trouble. Oh! I want to throw something at you. I can’t believe you haven’t said anything. I would be screaming this from the top of the castle.”
“You’d be screaming it because you could. Nothing would happen to you. But me?”
“I know. I know. It’s forbidden and all that.” She hurried over to the other chair and sat, leaning toward me. “But I’m your friend. You’re supposed to tell your friends these kinds of things.”
Friend.
I wanted so very badly to believe that we were—that we’d be that if she weren’t bound to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. It’s just that…I’ve done a lot of things I shouldn’t do, but this…this is different. I thought if I didn’t say anything, it would, I don’t know…”
“Go away? That the gods wouldn’t know?” Tawny shook her head. “If the gods know now, they knew then, Poppy.”
“I know,” I whispered, feeling terrible, but I couldn’t tell her why I’d kept it to myself. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I sensed that this would. I wouldn’t need my touch to know that.
“I’ll forgive you for not telling me if you tell me what happened in very, very graphic detail,” she said.
I cracked a grin, and then I did just that. Well, almost that. As I slowly unhooked my veil and draped it across my lap, I told her how I’d come about to be in the room with him and how he thought I was Britta. I told her how he offered to do whatever I wanted once he realized that I wasn’t her, and that he’d asked me to wait for him to return. But I didn’t tell her how he’d kissed me elsewhere.
Tawny stared at me with more awe than even Agnes had when she realized I was the Maiden. “Oh, my gods, Poppy.”
I nodded slowly.
“I so wish you’d stayed.”
“Tawny.” I sighed.
“What? You can’t say you don’t wish you’d stayed. Not just a little bit.”
I couldn’t say that.
“I bet you wouldn’t be a Maiden any longer if you had.”
“Tawny!”
“What?” She laughed. “I’m kidding, but I bet you’d barely be a Maiden. Tell me, did you…enjoy it? The kissing?”
I bit down on my lip, almost wishing that I could lie. “Yes. I did.”
“Then why are you so upset that he’s your guard?”
“Why? Your hormones must be clouding your rational thought.”
“My hormones are always clouding my rational thought, thank you very much.”
I snorted. “He’s going to recognize me. He has to once he hears me speak, right?”
“I imagine.”
“What if he goes to the Duke and tells him that I was at the Red Pearl? That I…allowed him to kiss me?” And do more, but at this point, the kissing would be bad enough. “He has to be one of the youngest Royal Guards, if not the youngest. It’s clear he’s interested in advancement, and what better way to secure that than to gain the Duke’s favor. You know how his favorite guards or staff are treated! They’re practically treated better than those on the Court.”