“See, Kim? She’s hiding him.”
“Am not.”
“Are, too.”
“Maybe this is exactly why she doesn’t want to tell us.” Mum pinches his shoulder. “You’re too much.”
“Oh, come on. I can’t believe you’re taking the little traitor’s side, Green.”
My heart swells whenever Papa calls her that. Green. It’s a homage to how she likes everything green, from the color to pistachio ice cream to green M&M’s. It’s become a part of her personality.
“I can’t let you bully my daughter.” She snatches the phone and smiles at me. “You doing okay, Cecy?”
I lift my index finger to the side of my nose, then force it to drop back down. “Yeah, Mum. Everything’s great.”
She watches me with those imploring eyes again, and I’m surprised I don’t flounder and burn under their weight.
I’m surprised my chest doesn’t rip open and confess everything to her right this instant.
When she speaks, her voice comes out gentle. “Cecy, honey, it’s okay if everything’s not great and if some days are worse than others. You know that, right? Your papa and I are here to listen.”
I choke on the unsaid words that burn in my throat, but I nod. “I know.”
Papa snatches the phone, and that knot gradually disappears as we talk until they eventually hang up.
Leaving me alone with my thoughts.
My cancerous, damning thoughts.
I hate how much they consume me lately, how being inside my own head is torturous and how I find myself there more often than not.
Still, I force myself to get up in the morning, wash my face, eat, and go to school.
I force myself to study, to go out with the guys, and take comfort in the idea that I’m alive.
If I don’t, I’ll be caught in a loop of my own making that no one will be able to save me from.
I’ve been trying so hard to come to terms with my actions, my choices, and how low I’ve fallen—and keep failing miserably.
Maybe it’s a pride thing.
Or a morals thing.
Though I’m not hurting anyone. No one but myself, at least.
I get up from my desk and close my book. I’ve been using the small office in the shelter I volunteer at as my hiding space.
That and the library, where I can read in peace and no one can bother me.
I spend about half an hour feeding the animals, and then I call it a day.
Mostly because everyone went home and Dr. Stephanie, the doctor in charge of the shelter, basically kicks me out.
We walk out of the building together and she stops by her car and retrieves her keys. “Do you want me to give you a ride?”
“No, it’s fine. I could use the walk.” Walking to and back from the shelter is the only workout I get, which is why I don’t drive here in the first place.
A slight frown appears between her brows as she casts a quick glance at the night staking its claim behind me. “Be careful, okay? It’s dangerous for a young lady to walk on her own.”
“Will do, thanks.”
“Text me when you get home.”
I give her a thumbs-up and a smile, but the crease doesn’t disappear from her brows as she gets into her car.
It’s not the first time I’ve gone home alone after sunset. And it’s not really that late.
Anni and I volunteer here, but she never stays after four p.m., and if she does, the place is filled with her security, so she saves everyone the trouble and leaves early.
As for myself, I’m just glad to get more time away from the world. At least animals show their silent support without judging.
After throwing a mint gum in my mouth, I check my texts and pause at the ones from my friends in the girls’ group chat.
Annika: Jer is locking me up in the ivory tower again crying emoji Ava: OMG want us to put on our Superwoman capes and come save you?
Annika: Not unless you’re ready to be locked up with me.
Glyndon: So sorry, Anni. Your brother is really scary.
Ava: But we can take him! @Cecily Knight let’s kick his misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal arse.
My fingers shake and it takes everything in me to type.
Cecily: I have to study for a test tomorrow.
Ava: Boo. You’re always studying.
Cecily: A little thing you should be doing sometimes since you’re at uni and all.
Ava: Kay, Mum!
A dark shadow moves in my peripheral vision and I freeze, but I don’t look behind me.
Instead, I slide the phone into my back pocket and inhale deeply before I continue on my way.