There’s no change in my pace or my breathing, but I can feel the stiffness in each of my muscles.
I can smell the air that’s mixed with the scent of the trees and the salt of the sea.
My heartbeat picks up, too, gradually, almost like I’m ascending stairs and exerting more energy as time goes by.
The books in my hands are heavy, and I tighten my hold on them as if these ancient, long-dead psychologists could materialize in front of me or protect me.
Though I don’t need it.
Probably.
Fact is, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this feeling, or the second.
Or the tenth.
It started a week or so after the most shameful night of my life.
I’ve felt eyes on me since.
Watching me, following me in the dark, utterly and completely shadowing me.
Maybe it was there long before that, but I only started noticing it about three weeks ago.
Probably after he made himself noticeable.
For instance, the discreet shadow from now is nothing more than a twisted and cruel homage to that night.
I know it’s Jeremy.
Not because I’ve searched much, but once, he let me see him on the hill opposite the shelter, on his bike.
He was wearing a helmet, but I knew it was him and kind of pretended I didn’t see him and ran back inside.
Maybe Dr. Stephanie saw him, too, which is why she’s always worried about me going home alone after sunset.
But he’s never gotten close, never talked to me. In fact, he’s kept his distance and only allows me to see him when he thinks I’m getting too comfortable.
It’s like he’s intent on not letting me live in peace.
But then I realized what he was doing, or more like, I found out after a conversation with Lan as soon as I realized my movements were being watched.
Cecily: I think I’m being followed by Jeremy. No. I’m sure I am.
Landon: Oh? I wouldn’t expect any less from him. Of course he’d be suspicious that you used Creighton’s invitation to get into the initiation.
Cecily: What should I do? I don’t want to get involved with Jeremy.
Especially not after the clusterfuck of that night. He rattles me more now that he’s seen that part of me.
Landon: I’ll get one of my guys to watch from afar in case he becomes a danger. In the meantime, ignore him. Pretend he’s not there and he’ll eventually get bored and leave you be. Didn’t he say you were bland? Make him believe it again.
Cecily: How…how do you know he said that?
Landon: Glyn was talking about it to Bran. He said you’re bland and Ava has a social butterfly complex, and Glyn went off like a gun at his throat. Is our little princess loyal or what? At any rate, paint that image again in his mind. Don’t stand out.
Cecily: Am I bland?
Landon: I don’t think so? But he does, or he did before he saw you at that initiation, a scene that he doesn’t think fits your character and, therefore, made him suspicious. In order to restore that belief, you need to remove the source of his doubts and be exactly what he thinks you are. Lay low, and don’t get in touch with me unless absolutely necessary. Stay safe, Cecy. I mean it.
I’ve been taking Lan’s words to heart and have kept my distance from him.
Even I know that Jeremy is following me so that I’ll either lead him to Lan or reveal what he thinks was my plan for barging into the initiation.
But it’s been over three weeks. Doesn’t he get bored?
Doesn’t he ever give up?
Every morning, I wake up and chant in my head that I’ll get used to his watchful gaze with time and that today will be better.
I don’t and it isn’t.
Not even a little.
If anything, my anxiety levels shoot up whenever it’s time to go home or outside, but I can’t stay huddled in the house if I don’t want him to be suspicious.
My whole body is attuned to his presence and I can feel him even if I don’t see him.
Or more like the weight of his stare.
That dispassionate, cold stare of his that’s able to strip anyone bare.
I’ve seen him exactly three times outside of this stalker situation. Once was when he came to personally pick up Anni from REU.
The other two times were at the fight club Ava drags us to now and again. He was there to offer support for the Heathens’ members as they fought.
All three times, I either hid or looked away the moment his punishing gaze fell on me.
I couldn’t handle his watchful gaze or the shame that rattled my bones when I was in his presence.
If my encounter with him in that forest is of any indication, then Jeremy is the type of person I shouldn’t, under any circumstances, get involved with.