“You. Didn’t. Know.” I enunciate every word. “Don’t blame yourself for something you can’t control. That’s where vicious ghosts lurk.”
She swallows, then clenches her hands in her lap. “I just feel bad for the feelings I had toward Mum at the time. She’s done nothing but support me in everything I’ve ever done. And I guess—I guess…I’ve been holding an inexplicable grudge against her all these years because of how absent she was sometimes.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Absent how?”
“She has depression and sometimes, maybe once every few months, she’d feel distant. Not that she’d push me away or anything, but I’d feel like I couldn’t reach her. I don’t know how to explain it. Papa would always tell me that she needed time, and usually, she’d come around in a day or two, but I hated how she had to deal with it on her own and I wasn’t part of the process.” She pauses and smiles awkwardly. “Saying that out loud makes me sound like a spoiled brat.”
A familiar pain I thought I was long over tightens in my chest. “No. You just didn’t like being pushed aside by your mother.”
“Right! I felt worthless and I couldn’t…couldn’t…”
“Do anything to help when she retreated into her own head. It was like she was dead yet looked alive.”
I regret saying the words as soon as they’re out, because Cecily looks at me differently. With tears clinging to her lids as if she’s about to cry again.
But she doesn’t.
She’s watches me intently, without blinking, as if she’s seeing a part of me she never thought existed before.
And because she’s an infuriating, smart little shit, she manages to put the pieces together. “Was…your mother like that, too?”
My jaw clenches, but I say nothing.
“Anni said your parents had issues before she was born and you were the one who brought them together. But did that happen at the expense of witnessing her deteriorating mental state?”
That big mouth Annika.
I stand up. “Go back to sleep.”
A small hand wraps around my wrist and she blurts, “Okay, okay. I won’t pry if you don’t like it, but can you stay until I fall back asleep?”
“You’re not a baby.” I’m about to wrench my hand from hers.
But the fucking girl sinks her nails into my skin. “I haven’t been able to sleep properly in months, because I didn’t feel safe, but if you’re here, I’ll be able to.”
I stare down at her small frame on the sofa, at the desperation written all over her face.
She said she’d get to know me, and I told her that wouldn’t be possible, but she’s throwing her whole weight behind this.
If I didn’t know she was an awkward human being who barely knows how to communicate with anyone who’s outside of her closest circle, I’d swear she was acting.
Acting or not, though, her state shouldn’t be able to affect me. Not even a little.
Not anywhere close.
But as I stare into the glittery green of her eyes, a myriad of unknown emotions fester in my chest.
“I’m the last person you should feel safe around, Cecily.”
“But I do.”
“Despite everything I do to you?”
“I wanted that. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have come here every day.”
I thought she did it because of the threats.
Well, fuck me.
She came because she wanted to? And she’s actually admitting to that?
“I’ll stay if you answer my question.”
She nods twice.
I know I’m going to sound illogical and I’m pushing it, but I need to confirm this once and for all.
“Would you have preferred to have this arrangement with Landon?”
She blinks, probably not expecting this question, but then she seems to mull over her words.
“In the beginning, I admit that I wanted it to be Landon. I had a crush on him long before I had a boyfriend, so he was like an unreachable god to me. One I would’ve done anything to stay close to.”
I should’ve killed the motherfucker earlier today.
Maybe if I hunt him down now, I can finish what I started.
My murderous thoughts come to a halt when Cecily squeezes my hand. “I started having this twisted fantasy about being ravaged soon after I hit puberty and kept it to myself, thinking something was wrong with me. Those feelings were more prominent after that incident with my ex, and I thought I was being punished for having the fantasy. I didn’t dare act on it until this year, and I’m glad it wasn’t Lan who made it come true, because I realize just how shallow my feelings for him were and how much he wouldn’t have cared.”