“The thing is …” I say slowly. “I’m not … really into guys right now. I mean—”
“You’re a lesbian!” Aisling says, looking at Dee with delight. “I said so, didn’t I?”
I have to pinch myself to keep from saying something I’ll regret.
“I’m … bisexual,” I say. “And I mean … I don’t know … I guess I don’t really find boys all that appealing right now. Does that make sense?”
“No,” Aisling says, at the same time that Dee nods and says, “I guess.”
They exchange a glance, and I’m not sure what exactly it means. Then Dee sighs and says, “Hey, I’m sorry we flung the whole Fionn thing on you without asking. We didn’t know you were … bisexual. Just … we thought …”
“I know. I’m not mad or anything.” Even though I am a little bit mad. “I just don’t really want to do the dating thing right now, you know?”
Aisling sighs. “So why say you’re bisexual instead of just that?”
“Because … I am bisexual,” I say. “And I also don’t want to date right now.”
“Have you even kissed a girl?” Aisling asks.
“No,” I mumble. Unfortunately, I have kissed way too many boys—most of them unpleasant experiences.
“Then how can you say you’re bisexual?” Aisling asks.
I rub the sides of my arms, even though it’s not cold, before answering. “That doesn’t mean I can’t know. Liking someone isn’t about kissing. I mean, you don’t only like Barry because he’s a good kisser, do you?”
Aisling shrugs, like maybe she does. I feel a little bad for Barry then, even though I barely even like him.
Dee stares at the ground instead of looking up at either of us. I’m not sure whose side she’s on here—though it seems she isn’t on mine, because she’s letting Aisling just go on and on.
“I just don’t know how you can turn down guys like Fionn when you don’t even know how you feel about girls. And when you’ve kissed plenty of guys who aren’t even as fit as him.” She says this as if Fionn is some great catch, like he didn’t spend half the film worshipping Woody Allen.
“I do know how I feel about girls,” I insist, because that seems like it holds more weight than the Fionn thing. He’s just some guy, at the end of the day. If it wasn’t him, it would be another guy—though ideally someone with less problematic taste in film directors.
Aisling rolls her eyes, looking like she definitely doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes.
Dee’s the kind of person who likes to keep the peace, so she lets us peter out into silence as we walk. Pretty soon, we’re at the bus stop. According to the Real Time Information, the bus is only five minutes away.
“Look …” I say as we come to a stop. Normally I would let things go, but this feels too big. Other than my parents, I haven’t told anyone I’m bisexual … until now. Aisling can’t just pretend that I’m not because I haven’t kissed any girls. “I would really appreciate if you guys could just give me some space about this. I’m still trying to figure stuff out, how to tell people, and what exactly I feel and—”
“How can you know and still be figuring stuff out?” Aisling folds her arms together and raises an eyebrow. Like everyone who has some knowledge has figured all things out.
“Because—”
“Aisling, I think you’re being a little insensitive.” Dee finally speaks, interrupting me. Aisling takes a step back, turning her raised eyebrow to Dee. If she expected Dee to take anyone’s side, it was probably hers. “But … Maira, you have to admit, Aisling is kind of right, even if she hasn’t said it in the best way. It just sounds like you’re confused and you don’t even know what or who you want. You can’t really take out your frustration about that on us.”
“I’m not—”
“I know.” Dee’s voice is soothing, like she’s speaking to a child who has acted out. “And I get it. But … you probably shouldn’t go about telling people you’re bisexual when you don’t have any experience. Hell, even I’ve kissed a girl, and I know I’m not gay. It’s just a little demeaning if—”
“Actually, I have kissed girls. A girl, I mean.” For a moment, I don’t even know who spoke those words. I only realize it was me from the stunned expressions on Dee and Aisling’s faces. The words came out of my mouth, and Dee and Aisling definitely heard them. I just don’t know where they came from. “I … am actually seeing someone.” This time, I say it slower. Choosing my words. Not letting my heart—or rather my anger—speak for me. “It’s just … new, so … we’re not really telling people.”