Whatever was happening between us, whatever emboldened us to make something happen between us, is broken by Aparna Aunty’s intrusion. I still can’t get my heart back to a regular pace. And I can’t look Ishu in the eye.
She shoots me a smile before getting off the bed. I don’t know what it means. “We should go downstairs. You like mishti, right?” She swings the door open and looks back at me.
“I only like some mishti.” I get up and follow her down the stairs. I’m not sure if we’ve made things between us better or infinitely worse.
chapter thirty
ishu
AFTER THE DAWAT IS FINISHED, AND EVERYONE HAS gone home, our house suddenly feels too empty. After being filled with Bengali chatter for the whole day, the silence seems to press into us.
I change out of my salwar kameez and strip my face of makeup. All the while, I can’t stop thinking about Hani. And I can’t stop thinking about Nik. Two people I definitely don’t want to be thinking about.
I crawl into bed and pull out my phone, scrolling to my text thread with Nik. The last messages we sent each other were that day she came home to surprise us. It feels like an eternity ago, though it’s only been a few weeks.
Hey Nik …
That’s all I type out before pausing. Because how do I ask my sister if she accidentally discovered the truth about my fake relationship? And how do I ask her what exactly she’s planning to do with that truth? Thinking about all of the possibilities, all of the ways that Nik can use this to get back into Abbu and Ammu’s good graces, makes me feel queasy.
Erasing my message, I click into my Instagram DM thread with Hani instead. I’m still trying wrap my mind around exactly what had happened in my bedroom earlier today. There was one inexplicable moment where I was sure that Hani and I were on the exact same page. That we wanted the same thing. But the moment was fleeting—it passed as quickly as it came. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness, spurred by the fact that someone knows our secret. That all of our plans might come undone if Nik decides to do something about our guide.
Should we talk about what happened today?
The unsent message glares up at me, and I erase it almost immediately. If Hani got a message like this, she would probably run for the hills. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about her, it’s that Hani’s not the kind of person who confronts things head on. Even coming to me about Nik seemed like it was killing her.
I click away from my message thread and end up on my Instagram timeline instead. The first photo that pops up is from the dawat today. It’s Hani’s, and it’s of the two of us sitting side by side. There are plastic white bowls of mishti balanced in our hands. We’re both half-smiling, Hani’s looking down and I’m staring straight into the camera. The awkwardness between us is almost palpable—just from looking at that picture.
I lie back in bed, and close my eyes. Maybe Hani uploading the picture is her roundabout way of saying something. Or maybe it isn’t—but it makes me happy all the same.
I had hoped that sleep would give me some clarity about both the Nik and Hani situations, but my thoughts are still a jumble when I wake up on Sunday morning. I spend the day helping Ammu clean the house up, my thoughts whirring around my head all the while.
As I clean, I think about how to bring up the subject of us with Hani. About whether I should bring it up at all. After all, the last time I tried, Hani shut me out. What if I’m simply building everything up inside my head? What if Hani doesn’t feel anything for me at all? What if I blow up our tentative friendship over nothing?
I kind of wish I had someone to talk to about this. Hani, at least, has her friends, though I doubt she would ever ask them for advice about me. The only person I’ve ever had is … Nik.
You can come to me. I just want you to know that. Okay?
That’s what Nik said the last time we saw each other. She seemed so sincere. I can almost picture her face now—the sympathy written all over it. I wanted to believe her—I want to believe her. But Nik and I have never been sisters like that. Not even before our academic competition began.
And now … Nik is the one who holds all the cards. Heaving a sigh, I go back to my cleaning, putting Nik out of my mind. My sister is definitely not someone I can trust. She’s not someone I can go to. Not even if she pretends that she is.
chapter thirty-one
hani
IT’S A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO GET ISHU OUT OF MY HEAD over the weekend. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it means that she leaned forward—that I leaned forward. I want to believe that it meant something, but what if it was just both of us being overwhelmed by the idea of someone else having access to our guide? By the idea that our secret might not stay a secret for much longer?