“Yeah … probably,” I say. “I shouldn’t have listened to my friends that day. I know. I know I let you down. I know that—”
“If Salim finds out about this,” Abba cuts me off, “do you know how this will look for me? I’ve been telling him, telling everyone, that my family have been supporting me throughout this entire election campaign. I’ve been singing your praises, talking about everything that you’ve done for me and the campaign. But you’ve been lying to me this whole time.”
“Only about this,” I say. “I haven’t lied about anything else. And Salim Uncle never has to find out, nobody does. I just … I wanted to tell you because I know you’re worried about what’s going to happen with this election and … I know I should have been better.”
Abba shakes his head, like he can’t quite believe the words coming out of my lips. “I know you’ve been having trouble with your friends, Hani. But I thought you were better than this.”
“That’s not fair,” I say. “You’ve been lying too.” At this, Abba’s gaze finally snaps to me, his eyebrows scrunched together as he takes me in.
“You said that if Salim Uncle finds out that I’ve lied it’ll look bad but … what about you? You’ve spent all this time lying to him and pretending that you’re someone you’re not. Going to the mosque every other day, when you and Amma never went to the mosque before this. You’ve been trying to get votes from the Muslim community, but you don’t even care about them and what they want.” I’m not sure where all of that comes from, but suddenly it’s all out there. Abba is still looking at me, but I can’t meet his eyes. Suddenly, this car feels uncomfortably warm, and the silence inside it is deafening.
“I said … I am sorry,” I finally say in a whisper, though it doesn’t feel like much. The guilt is twisting in my gut but so is a bite of anger that I didn’t even know I was carrying with me all this time. After all, aren’t all of the things I’ve said true? I’m not the only person who’s been pretending for the past few weeks. “I’m trying to make things right, Abba. But you … if you win this election, your lie will just continue on. Salim Uncle and the rest of them … they won’t know that you were never winning for them—you were doing it for yourself.”
I watch as Abba takes one deep, long breath. Then he pulls the keys out of the car’s ignition, clicks open the door and steps outside into the pouring rain. He doesn’t even wait for me to get out. Instead, he walks up to the house and pulls the front door open, disappearing inside.
There are tears fighting their way through me, but I blink them back. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and when I check the notifications, I see that I finally have another new message in our group chat.
Deirdre: my parents don’t really support your dad’s policies so nope.
And somehow that clears up my tears, unclogs my throat of the lump that’s been slowly rising throughout my entire conversation with Abba. Because finally—finally—I know exactly what I have to do. And maybe I’m angry enough now to actually do it.
chapter forty-one
ishu
IT’S DIFFICULT TO NOT THINK ABOUT HANI WHEN I seem to spot her everywhere in school. After the past few weeks, I know her schedule inside out. I know what classes she has, when and where. I know all the times she goes to her locker, and I even know her favorite spots on the school grounds for when she doesn’t want to spend lunch with Aisling and Deirdre.
I know that I should try to avoid her, put her out of my mind. But I can’t help staring at Hani when we’re at our lockers between classes, or watching her from the window overlooking the tree she loves sitting underneath during lunchtime.
There have been way too many times that I’ve almost run up to her, to tell her everything happening with Nik and my parents, or all my plans for the Head Girl elections. I’ve always stopped myself at the last moment.
Because no matter how I feel about Hani, it doesn’t change that she’s still friends with Aisling and Dee. That she’ll never stand up to them. She’ll never choose me over them. And there’s nothing I can do to change that.
I wake up on the weekend determined to get everything back on track. Everything with Hani, Aisling, and Deirdre has made me lose sight of what’s really important: Head Girl, Leaving Cert, getting into the best possible university.
When I call Nik on Saturday morning, she picks up after just two rings.