“Mikey, I want to be in love with you so badly.”
He closes his eyes, smiling tightly. “But you’re not.”
I shake my head slowly. “I’m not.”
A tear slides down the bridge of Mikey’s nose, and he wipes it roughly away. Then he rolls away from me, onto his back.
“It’s not—”
“It’s not me, it’s you. Got it.”
“I know how that sounds, but it’s true!” I sit up, hugging my knees to my chest. “You’re the perfect boyfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what’s not adding up. How I can love every single thing about you, but I can’t make it click—and Mikey, you deserve a guy who can give you that. I feel like I’m holding you back from meeting him.”
“So, what? This is just . . . it?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Wow.” Mikey stares up at the ceiling.
“Like, I’m so fucking sorry. Mikey. I just want you to know how incredible—”
“I don’t want to hear how incredible I am!” He sits up, burying his face in his hands. “God, Arthur. Can I just have a second to wrap my head around the fact that I just took a train here so you could dump me?”
I wince. “I don’t like the word ‘dumping’—”
“I don’t like being dumped!”
I start to cry again. “I’m sorry—”
“Can you just stop?”
I press my lips together, nodding.
“Do you want me to leave?” I say finally. “I can sleep in the living room.”
“Please. Stop. You don’t have to sleep in the living room.”
“Then can we talk through this?” I ask.
“What do you want me to say? That it’s fine?”
“No—”
“It’s not fine.” He tilts his head back, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Where did this come from? Did I embarrass you tonight?”
“No! God—no, you were amazing! This wasn’t a tonight thing. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it for a month.”
“A month. So, like, around the time you got to New York and started seeing your ex-boyfriend every day?”
“That’s not why—”
“Really?” Mikey turns to face me. “Look me in the eye and tell me this has nothing to do with Ben.”
All my words vanish.
“Got it.” A tear streaks down his cheek.
“Nothing happened,” I say hoarsely. “I swear to God.”
“Nothing, like you didn’t have sex, or—”
“Nothing like nothing! Mikey, I would never cheat, ever.”
He just looks at me. “Did you kiss him?”
“No! Kissing is cheating to me.” He doesn’t respond. “Mikey, you’ve known about every single time we’ve hung out. And that’s all it is. Not sex, not kissing, not holding hands. Just hanging out. And half the time, Mario’s there.”
Mikey presses a hand to his forehead. “If you’re not hooking up with him, what are you even getting from this?”
“What? Nothing! He’s my friend.”
“Your friend who you were in love with! How long did you have to think before you said it back to him?”
I stare at my knees.
“How long did you even date? Three weeks?”
“Three weeks and two days,” I say, without thinking, and Mikey looks like I’ve slapped him. “I was sixteen. He was my first boyfriend. What do you want me to say?”
“I’m so glad, Arthur. So glad you had such a special first love story. Want to hear mine? We shared a bed every night for three months, but he wouldn’t call me his boyfriend. And then he dumped me two hours before the winter concert. That was great for me. I loved that.”
“Mikey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t—”
“Want to know how I spent Christmas? Crying my eyes out. Barely got out of bed. My mom was so freaked out, she skipped church.”
I look up with a start. “But you said you—”
“What was I supposed to say? Hi, I know you just flew up to Boston for me, but let’s talk about how you ruined Christmas—”
“You should have said that!” My eyes spill over. “I deserved it!”
“I was so in love with you, Arthur. Do you even get that? You think this summer was the first time I’ve wanted to say it? The first time I’ve felt it?”