I look at him, stunned. “I didn’t know—”
“And then you show up on my doorstep on New Year’s Eve saying you want to be my boyfriend?” Mikey presses both hands to his chest. “That’s all I wanted. All I wanted was to start over with you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I say, so quietly it’s almost an exhale. “I was so stupid and confused. I’d just broken up with Ben—”
“It’s always Ben.” Mikey shuts his eyes behind his glasses. “So, what, are you in love with him or something?”
“I—”
“I guess that’s why you came to New York.”
“No! Not at all. We weren’t even talking!” I take a deep breath. “Mikey, nothing’s happening. I swear. He’s following his boyfriend to California. I have no idea if I’ll ever see him again. That’s it. That’s the whole story. There’s no epilogue where we get together.” My voice is choked. “And yeah, I have feelings for him. They’ve probably always been there. I’m not good at this, okay? I thought I was over him, but apparently I’m not, and who the fuck knows if I ever will be. But you shouldn’t have to sit around waiting for that to happen!”
Mikey’s quiet for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Then I guess that’s it,” he says finally.
I nod, the corners of my mouth wet and salty with tears.
He doesn’t speak, but he does this long, shaky exhale that I feel all the way to my bone marrow. The urge to hug him is like gravity. My arms are halfway there before the thought reaches my brain. “Can I—”
Mikey nods, and I throw my arms around him. I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more. Maybe in another universe, it could have been enough.
I don’t remember how long we cried or when we decided to sleep. All I know is this: when I wake up, I’m alone. The blankets on Mikey’s side of the bed are pulled up and neatly folded over.
Early bird, I think, though it’s already past ten. I can hear the faint TV audio leaking in from the living room. Mikey’s probably catching up on Netflix while he finishes up breakfast. Except— The empty spot beside my dresser. His suitcase is gone.
I slide out of bed and cross my room to the door, feeling divorced from my body. A school bell chimes on the television when I step into the living room.
He’s gone. Of course he’s gone. And when Jessie looks up from the couch, I completely unravel.
“Fuck.” She turns the TV off. “Are you okay?”
“I look that bad?” I try to laugh.
“Like absolute shit.” She’s already halfway across the room. “What happened?”
There’s no start space. There’s no first page to this story. I don’t even know how to tell it. All I know is he’s gone. I deserve it. I’m relieved. And I miss him. And I want to tell Ben, so he can touch my face and kiss me and say he’s loved me all along. Except he won’t, because he hasn’t, and me breaking Mikey’s heart won’t change the fact that Ben’s breaking mine all over again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ben
Tuesday, June 23
“This is not what I had in mind when I said let’s hang out.”
Dylan shrugs. “No, no, no, no, no. You were bitching and moaning about how I’m the sole reason you’re leaving New York because we don’t hang out. You don’t get to bitch and moan when we actually hang out.”
“You’re not the sole reason. You’re not even in the top three reasons.”
“That’s offensive, but I don’t care about your pettiness right now because I’m anniversary shopping,” Dylan says as we enter a flower shop here in Alphabet City. “Mikey was fresh out of a Glee episode with his solo, and now I’ve got to make sure that Samantha feels the love the way Arthur did.”
I’m not sure Arthur felt the love at all. I don’t know, maybe I’m misinterpreting things, but I could swear Arthur was acting even weirder after Mikey finished his song. He was so quiet all night, almost completely checked out. I couldn’t make sense of it at all. I was so sure Mikey’s performance would have fixed the tension between them.
I keep almost texting him to check in, but I don’t how to bring it up without making it weird. I mean, I’m not exactly dying for Arthur to know how much time I’ve spent obsessing over his relationship dynamics.
But it’s probably all in my head. I probably imagined the tension. And even if they really were fighting, I’m sure they’ve kissed and made up by now. I’m sure Mikey’s gotten his I love you, too.