I shake my head quickly. “No, I don’t like him.”
Julian actually really scared me. He went on a trip to the Alps with all of us. I didn’t realize how in over my head I was until I tried to break up with him, and he wouldn’t listen to me, as if I was too young to really understand. Maybe I was. I don’t know anymore. All I know is that I don’t want to be afraid of the person I’m with. That isn’t a danger I like.
“And just so you know,” I say, “I haven’t been ecstatic by some of the girls you’ve chosen. One of them called Lily a slut.” And behind Ryke’s back, she literally pulled my hair. Hard.
“I broke up with her the second she said that,” he reminds me. “You were with that idiot for months.”
“I tried breaking up with him,” I retort. “I even wrote him a letter. It went something like: Julian, I think we’re better as friends. Xoxo Daisy.”
Ryke groans, but his hand unconsciously rises from my knee to my thigh. The affection speeds my heart.
“The hugs and kisses were too much, weren’t they?”
“Who breaks up with someone in a fucking note?”
“Someone who’s scared.” I’m not as fearless as my sisters would like to believe.
“You’re not a fucking coward. You’re just with the wrong guys.” He glances at his hand and takes it off me. Then his brown eyes flit from the small space between our bodies to my gaze again. “Did any of them last longer than five minutes?”
I try to think back. “I think six minutes was the highest.”
“Were you seriously timing them?”
“I was waiting for it to end.”
He grimaces.
I pretty much dislike everything about sex. The before. The during. The after. No moment is fun.
I’ve kept trying to see if it gets better.
It doesn’t.
It’s just a load of uncomfortable and awkward. Nothing about sex gives me that fulfillment that other girls talk about. What is an orgasm? Nerve-spindling? Head-spinning? I’ve had that skydiving and racing my motorcycle down a steep hill alongside Ryke. That’s as orgasmic as I’ve ever been.
“Sex is stupid,” I tell him.
“It is when you’re with guys who can’t satisfy you.”
I flush at his words. “Rose just told me to try it with more guys and see what happens.”
Ryke looks ready to spring off the bike and go track down my sister. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I thought it was nice. She’s a proponent of experimenting.”
“Says the fucking virgin.”
“She’s not a virgin anymore,” I point out.
Ryke glares. “So she’s slept with one guy her whole life, and she’s telling you to fuck around to find someone. She didn’t fuck around, Daisy. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“She has no experience with experimenting, got it,” I nod. “I’ve tried to talk to Lily about it, but she’s uncomfortable discussing sex with me.” I shrug. “Sometimes she’ll open up though. It’s just hard finding a day where she feels good enough to do it.”
Ryke relaxes a bit at the mention of Lily’s sex addiction and her shame towards the whole subject.
“Maybe I’m doing something wrong,” I say. “Is it normal for guys to last so short?”
Ryke runs his hand through his thick hair. He’s never held back with me before, so I don’t expect him to now. “They’re probably really fucking attracted to you, and when they get you in bed, they just come early. It’s not a fucking reflection on you but them.”
“So I need to find a guy who’s not attracted to me?” That doesn’t make sense.
Ryke shakes his head. “No, Dais. You need to like the guy you’re with as much as they like you. That way, you’ll fucking come too.”
“But what happens when the guy I like isn’t emotionally available?”
“Stay single,” he suggests.
“Forever?”
Ryke’s whole body tenses. I don’t know if that’s a no or a yes. Inside I’m screaming, give me something! Blink once for yes, twice for no!
And then the garage door opens. “Hey,” Lo calls, “dinner is…” His voice dies when he catches us on the motorcycle together.
Uh-oh.
Ryke slowly climbs off the bike, acting like he did nothing wrong. I mimic his guiltless expression, and I follow him, swinging my legs over the seat and standing up.