“Or like a fan.”
“Being there makes you look like a fan.”
From my place a few steps behind them, I watch Barbie turn his head to give Dorian an incredulous look. “I have seen a guy push his way to the stage just so he could flip the band off the whole time. We’re bringing people to this show who are decidedly not fans. I don’t think a shirt is a bad idea.”
“I wore that thing so much it has a hole in the armpit, you really think I didn’t appreciate it?” Dorian says.
Barbie hums like he’s been appeased, and I feel completely empty inside.
Delilah and Jade are waiting in the parking lot. Jade’s wearing faded jeans instead of her usual leggings, and Delilah’s typical dress is paired with a black beanie, denim jacket, knee-high socks, and combat boots. Her hair’s this pastel kind of blue instead of the pink she’s kept it all semester.
“Your hair’s gonna fall out,” I mutter.
Delilah rolls her eyes like she’s already heard this a thousand times. “It’s not like I dye it every damn week.”
“Only because I bring up pictures of fried hair every time you want to,” Jade says. Dorian makes a noise like bacon sizzling in a pan.
Zero and Kovy show up with Cauler, and I shouldn’t be surprised to see him because we’re literally going to see his favorite band, but my heart still hesitates at the sight of him.
I. Should’ve. Kissed him.
He was smiling and laughing walking up with Zero and Kovy, but when he sees me he bites his smile back a little, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket, not meeting my eyes. I haven’t talked to him much outside of hockey this week. He’s probably getting so many mixed signals from me he doesn’t know what to think.
I’m an asshole. I know what it’s like, getting those vibes from a guy, taking a risk in giving them back only to be shut down. I know what it’s like and I did it to him anyway.
Because of hockey.
I look back toward the dorm. I shouldn’t go to this concert and ruin his night. This is his music, his thing, and my presence will definitely only complicate things.
“Mickey, hey,” Delilah says. They’re all heading toward Zero’s SUV. “You’re in the way back with us.”
She and Jade climb in before I have time to back out. Dorian and Barbie have already gotten in on the other side, leaving Cauler waiting for me at the door. I look him right in the eye as I walk up to him, like he’ll be able to see the truth in my stare. He doesn’t look away, but his jaw clenches and he swallows hard. I climb into the back and reach to pull the seat up at the same time Cauler does.
We both hesitate, watching each other in this weird gay standoff. Delilah and Jade are talking to each other, and Dorian’s leaning between the front seats to connect his phone to the car’s Bluetooth, and no one is paying any attention to us. So when Cauler finally makes the move, I put my hand right next to his, our skin touching as we pull the seat back.
I feel like I’m in middle school, sharing “incidental” contact with Nova at the dinner table at her parents’ house. Little touches that could be shrugged off as accidents if we were questioned.
Cauler sucks his lips into his mouth as he climbs into the car, not looking at me. But I see the smile fighting to pull through.
* * *
I’VE NEVER BEEN to a concert before. As soon as I step into the venue, nothing feels real anymore. And I don’t mean that in a dissociation kind of way, either. More like a highway rest stop in the middle of the night or a quiet, empty arena with the lights dimmed. It’s dark, humid, and a little claustrophobic.
There’s no music yet, just the heavy, vaguely creepy hum of ambient noise through the speakers as some people crowd the bar and others head for the stage. Zero and Kovy are the only ones old enough to drink, and they ditch us as soon as we make it inside. I rub absently at the black X’s on my hands, but even if I found a way to get them off, the bartenders would probably take one look at me, assume I’m twelve, and kick me out of the show entirely.
“I’ll settle for nothing but right up front,” Dorian says. “Everybody grab on!” He takes Barbie’s hand. Barbie takes Jade’s, Jade takes Delilah’s, and Delilah takes mine. Leaving me with …
I look back at Cauler. Hold out my hand. He looks at it for a second, then at my face. Delilah pulls me and I stagger along with her, hand still out, until Cauler lunges forward to grab on before we get lost in the crowd. Dorian leads us toward the stage, squeezing between people and straining our grips on one another to the point where I’m pretty sure all our fingers are gonna break before we get to where we’re going. I kind of feel like an asshole, forcing my way through a bunch of strangers, but most of them seem unfazed by it.