“Did you wanna…” I trail off, motioning vaguely toward the door with my elbow.
Cauler looks at me, meets my eyes. Doesn’t look away. I can’t breathe. My whole body shakes, and it’s not just from the cold. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous when it comes to something like this.
Maybe with Nova, but that was because it was the first time. I wasn’t even this nervous my first time with a guy. It’s not like I have feelings for Cauler, either.
He’s just … really hot.
Cauler nods his head. “Yeah,” he says. His voice cracks and he has to clear his throat. “Yeah, okay.”
* * *
WE BARELY MAKE it through the door before Cauler’s pulling off my shirt and putting his lips against my neck.
“Okay?” he asks when my back hits the mattress.
“Can I?” I ask with my hands at the waistband of his joggers.
“Do you want to?” he asks with a wrapped condom in his hand.
A breathless yes at each progression. He’s gentle when he needs to be. Less so when I ask him not to. He kisses me like he means it. Holds me close to him.
It’s enough to rip my empty chest wide-open.
NOVA VINTER
Mickey: This just in
Hooking up with a hot guy does not cure depression
Nova: I could’ve told you that Mickey: Well why didn’t you??
Nova: You never asked?
Regret it though?
Mickey: I mean it literally just happened
Like he just left
And it hasn’t come back to bite me in the ass yet so not yet
Nova: Then what’s it matter
Nothing’s gonna cure your depression but
you can find things that make it easier to handle
If that’s Jaysen Caulfield and you’re both into it
then do what you want
Mickey: Who said it was Jaysen Caulfield?
Nova: Mickey.
TWELVE
Cauler leaves before Dorian gets back.
I can’t sleep. I can hear the music coming from Dorian’s headphones all the way across the room, and I don’t get how he can sleep with it so loud.
But it’s not his music keeping me up. I don’t know what it is, I just feel kind of … I don’t know, lonely, I guess. I’m used to being alone. Not so used to feeling alone like this.
A twin-size mattress should not feel this big.
I pull the blankets over my head and close my eyes. I need to sleep. I can’t play, but I still have to be at the game tomorrow. Plus I’ve got two papers to write and I’m dangerously close to academic probation. Coach and the athletics director don’t care who I am, they’ll still bench me. I’ll have to bust my ass next semester if I want to play through the Frozen Four.
Which reminds me. I only have four months left with the Royals. Six at Hartland. Then I’ll be alone in whatever city drafts me and determines my entire future.
I throw off the blankets and scramble for a clean hoodie from the floor before racing out into the cold, heading for Delilah’s building. I slip in behind a resident before the door can close and lock on me and take the stairs two at a time to the second floor. I pound on Jade and Delilah’s door without bothering to be quiet about it.
The RA reacts first, sticking his head out of his room at the end of the short hall and glaring at me. “Seriously, bro, it’s three in the morning, can you not?”
I stare at him blankly, holding eye contact as I give the door three more slow, heavy knocks. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes before backing up into the darkness of his room. I wouldn’t want to deal with my petty bullshit, either.
Jade answers the door in a sports bra and sweatpants, one side of her hair pressed flat against her skull, the other blown out wide. Her eyes are half-closed, and it takes her a few seconds before she’s able to focus them on me.
“Oh,” she says. Her eyes trail down to my neck, and she’s suddenly wide-awake. “Oh.”
I frown, touching my throat. It feels like pressing on a bruise. Oh. No. I squeeze past Jade into the room and run for the mirror on top of one of the dressers. There is a massive, dark hickey on the left side of my throat.
“Kill me.” There is no way I’m hiding this.
“Take it you’ve had a good night,” Jade says, yawning. She leans against the dresser with her arms crossed.
“Kill me,” I say louder.
“I will if you don’t shut up,” Delilah grumbles from the giant bed they’ve created by pushing them both together. She’s not even visible under the mass of blankets and pillows piled on top of her. I crawl into the bed next to where I think she might be lying.