“No.” His voice is muffled by the pillows.
Okay, so I might have zero social skills, but even I can tell when Dorian, literal ball of sunshine, is in distress. Still, all I can think to say is, “You okay?”
Dorian’s head pops up from the pillows in an instant, looking at me like he didn’t realize I was in the room even after speaking to me. He stares at me for a moment with his mouth open before rolling dramatically onto his back, throwing an arm over his eyes for good measure. “Today has been the worst day of my life. I want to fling myself into the lake.”
The room feels stale and depressing and if I don’t get some fresh air soon I might suffocate. So it’s not entirely selfless when I say, “I don’t know about flinging yourself in, but sitting by the lake always helps me. I’ll go with. Keep you from drowning yourself if you want.”
Dorian lowers his arm to look at me again. I don’t blame him for the surprised look on his face. I mean, when have I ever made a sociable suggestion? I’m about to say forget it and go back to my YouTube spiral when he pushes himself off the bed and tilts his head toward the door.
“Okay. Let’s go.”
We don’t talk on the way down to the dock. I pull my hands into my sleeves and cross my arms tight over my chest to block out some of the cold. Dorian lopes along beside me, close enough to share body heat. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his chinos and hikes his shoulders up to his ears. We won’t last long at the dock in this cold, even with hoodies under our coats. The sky looks ready to dump eight feet of snow on us.
It’s tempting to let the silence stretch on once we’re sitting beside each other on the dock. I could use the quiet. The smell of cold air and the time to think with only the sounds of wind on water. But I brought Dorian here because he’s my friend and I’m going to help him, dammit.
So I say, “Talk to me.”
Dorian’s next breath is sharp. He holds it for a long time, watching himself kick his feet over the water, before letting it out in a slow sigh. “As soon as I woke up, I knew it was gonna be a bad day.”
“Did something happen?”
He rakes his fingers through his hair. “No. I just woke up so … tired. And then it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy from there. I was late to class. Forgot my textbook. Zoned out so bad that I had no idea what was going on when my professor called on me. Got to my next class and realized we had an assignment due that I completely forgot about.”
He keeps his eyes on the water as he talks, even when he eventually pulls his legs up and crosses them, even when he starts tugging anxiously on his hair, even when the waves distort his reflection.
“I thought I was doing better,” he says, almost to himself. “I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s one rough day,” I say, even though I’m pretty sure there’s way more to it than that. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
He sighs heavily and drops his hands into his lap, wringing them together. “It’s more than that though. Like, I know I seem like a super happy person all the time, but I’m just … not. I’m depressed as shit. And it’s not like I have any reason for it. My family is perfectly balanced and boring. Both my parents are professors. They’ve always been supportive and attentive and caring. I haven’t gone through any major trauma or anything like that. My biggest dream of being in the NHL is coming true, and in the meantime I get to study something I really love, so why am I so miserable?”
“You don’t need a reason to be depressed,” I say automatically. “It’s chemistry.”
Dorian huffs a humorless laugh. “Y’see, logically I know that. But when you’re in it, your brain uses whatever it can to beat you down, and that’s one of them. That other people have it so much worse than me and I’m being selfish by being so sad.”
Jesus. It’s like he’s taking the words right out of my head. “I know what you mean,” I say cautiously. This isn’t something I really talk about, but what’s the harm when Dorian goes through the same thing?
He pulls his sleeves over his hands and presses them against his eyes. “You, too, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Y’know, I figured. How do you handle it?”
I laugh through my nose, watching a small sailboat with sails in Royals black and purple glide across the lake not far out. “I lie in bed and watch YouTube.”
There’s a beat of silence before he says, “Better than pulling your hair out.”