My search history is a mess.
+nhl prospect rankings
+jaysen caulfield
+lgbt pro athletes
+ryan getzlaf playoff slur
+homophobia in nhl
+hartland university marine science
+nhl players with depression
+nhl prospect rankings
+marine science jobs
+marine science degree
+mickey james iii +mickey james
+jaysen caulfield
+gay hockey players
+online marine science degree
+hartland university online degree
+nhl players with college degrees
+degree or nhl
+nhl draft prospects
Mom and Dad said I have time, but really all I have is till the Draft Combine in June. Six months to figure out the rest of my life.
No pressure.
And then there’s Cauler.
I’m surprised Dad didn’t make a bigger deal about it. I didn’t outright confirm it, but I didn’t deny it, either. Sure, he’s supported my sisters from the start, but I thought it’d be different for me, being under heavier scrutiny or whatever.
Most rankings still have me at number one, but they’re all sure to point out it’s a close call and the only thing putting me over Cauler is my availability next season. The ones that put me second, or even lower sometimes, can’t get past my size.
None of it’s helpful.
I close out of my history and call Nova. She’s busy and has her life together and probably isn’t gonna answer, but— “Hey!” Nova sounds so bright and cheery, for a second I forget why I was even calling her.
“Hey, Nova.” My voice is rough from all the crying I’ve been doing lately. My eyes eternally swollen. “Can you do something for me?” We snap often enough that I don’t feel bad about skipping the pleasantries.
“Need me to kick someone’s ass?”
I roll my eyes. “No, jackass.”
She chuckles a little. I hear cars passing in the background. People talking. She breathes heavy like she’s walking fast. “What’s up? What do you need?”
“I’m about to have this serious talk with Cauler and I need, like, cute penguin pictures on standby if it goes bad. Need to change my coping habits.”
“Alright,” she says hesitantly. “I’m taking a solo lunch right now, so I’ll work on that. You’re gonna give me the details later, right?”
“Of course, Nova. Love you.”
“Love you, too, babe. Good luck.”
I sit in the quiet for another few minutes, head tilted back, breathing in the fresh, cold air. Clearing my head. Letting it wake me up.
We have practice in a few hours. Two games this week. Another four before classes start again.
Six months to let go of everyone’s expectations and figure out who I’m going to be. How the third on the end of my name has me measure up to the ones before me.
I take one last deep breath, so cold it hurts the inside of my nose, and let it out in a slow sigh before standing up.
Cauler’s heading down the dock toward me. I stop after a stutter-step, hands clenching into fists in my pockets. I texted him that we should talk, but I didn’t expect him to come searching for me.
He slows when we make eye contact, taking a couple half- steps before stopping a few feet away. We stare at each other, his breath coming out in fast visible puffs like he ran here.
“Hey,” he says breathlessly.
“Hey.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I just…” I stop myself. I’m not about to lie right now. I asked him to talk for a reason. “Um…” I sigh, shifting uncomfortably. Get it over with. Rip the Band-Aid off. “Look, Cauler. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m…” I laugh bitterly. “I am deeply depressed. Now I’m on medication and I’m still trying to get used to feeling things, and honestly a lot of the time, I really hate myself.”
I keep my voice surprisingly steady. I am not about to cry here. This is the strongest I have ever felt, being honest with my own mental health.
Cauler just looks at me for a long moment before he says, “What can I do?”
Oh. That’s … not what I was expecting. I don’t even know how to answer that. There’s nothing he can do. It’s my illness to deal with.
I lift my shoulders and look out over the lake. “Nothing. But…”
A cloud of his breath is carried away by the breeze. “Mickey.”
I take a deep breath. “Being with you helps. But I’m scared. Everything changes in six months. Who knows where we’ll be. Not anywhere near each other. I want you. I want this. But how do we do that when we are who we are?”