It’s all so pretty, but it doesn’t matter. Not compared to Ruben. Maybe now is a good time to tell him what I’m working through. Maybe it shouldn’t be planned. Maybe I should just tell him my thoughts are messy and I’m confused and that’s just where I’m at right now. It’ll be better than nothing.
He’s in front of me, staring up at a map. I can’t make any more excuses. It’s time. Now or never.
I stop beside him. I feel frozen, and my throat clenches up. “Hey.”
“Hello.”
There’s a dry sound in his voice, and an eyebrow twitches. I probably deserve that.
I’m worried he can see right through me, that he knows I’m here to talk about the kiss, and he’s not happy about it, so I swerve away from my plan.
“This is cool, right?” I say, pointing at the map.
“Oh, yeah. Very cool.”
Make it normal. Make it normal. “I like art.”
Oh for fuck’s sake. I glance around, looking for a window I can hurl myself headfirst out of.
“O … kay?”
“I just mean I like this art. It’s like, cool art, you know? I don’t like some paintings. Like Picasso or whatever.”
“You don’t like Picasso?”
“I mean, no, they’re all squiggly and weird. But this art … it’s good art. I like it.” I seriously want to die.
“Do you?” His voice is light and airy. A little too innocent. “Some of these are very phallic. Didn’t think you were into that.”
My cheeks burn like I’ve been thrust inside an oven. “Um, yeah, phallic art isn’t really my thing. But anyway. Um.”
“You okay, Zach?”
“I don’t even know anymore.”
Ruben smooths down the front of his coat, then turns away, picking up his pace to catch up with Jon.
I stand back, and watch him go, unable to move. He used to be the guy I was closest to, and now he can’t stand me. It’s my fault, too. If I just knew what I wanted, then I could fix this.
We go inside the Sistine Chapel, and it’s amazing, sure. But I can’t even really appreciate it, because everything with Ruben is wrong. I wish I could take the kiss back. Why did I have to go and mess everything up like this? Why couldn’t I have just shut it down? I’ve done it before. It would’ve been as easy as deleting his picture, as crushing a thought I don’t like.
I slow my step, as a spark of realization pricks in the back of my mind.
Shut it down. Crush the thought.
Is the truth that I don’t get strong crushes on guys the way I get on girls? Or is the truth that whenever those crushes start to poke their heads up I squash them, and ignore them?
I think of Lee. I think of Eirik. I think of Ruben, and his photo.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
I put miles between myself and Lee and Eirik after I started noticing them in that way. It seemed like the smartest thing to do. I’d avoid them and brush them off until the feelings passed.
I feel a familiar sense of overwhelming terror. There’s an explanation here, and maybe … no, it can’t be that. You’d know. You’d know.
But what if I do know?
What if it just scares the crap out of me?
Could I have been repressing myself all this time? What if my whole life I’ve been avoiding this, because if I think about it too much, then I’ll have to accept that it’s a thing. And it will make everything harder.
Seriously, could I be …
“Hey, Zach,” says Angel, pointing up at The Creation of Adam. I’m so grateful for the distraction I could hug him. I look to where he’s pointing. It’s sort of surreal to be staring at one of the most famous paintings in the world. Like, I’ve known about this thing for almost my whole life and now it’s here, above me. It’s how I felt when I used to see my favorite bands live, before that became almost impossible because of Saturday.
“What?”
“That dude is thicc,” whispers Angel.
He’s pointing at Adam. I laugh my first genuine laugh in days.
There’s more to it than that, though. He only ever makes jokes as dumb as that when he can tell I’m down. We’ll never talk about it, but I know he’s there for me. Something like this is as close as Angel will ever get to asking if I’m okay.
“What’s funny?” asks Ruben, glancing between us. The split-second of attention gives me chills. He’s maybe the first guy ever who has properly seen me. The real me, complete with the side that maybe thinks about guys sometimes. And all I want is to not be around him right now. I want to do what I did with Lee and Eirik: pull away until it passes. I’ve never been this aware, though. So it’s different.