But now …
Geoff just confirmed some of my worst fears.
The band is in danger because of me. So many people could lose their jobs just because I kissed Ruben and didn’t handle it well. I might have caused the end of the band.
My eyes start to sting, but I manage to rein them in. Geoff can’t stand tears.
“Now,” says Geoff. “Tell me why you two have been fighting, and don’t lie.”
“We haven’t been fighting,” says Ruben. “We’re just getting on each other’s nerves, I guess. We’re spending a lot of time together.”
“Zach? You’re letting Ruben do all the talking.”
“Sorry, um…”
My voice is shaking.
“Don’t say um, you know I hate that.”
I suck in a breath to steady myself. “Sorry. Ruben’s right, it really is just small clashes that got blown out of proportion. I know we messed up, and we’re working on it, I promise.”
“Good. If this is not fixed immediately there will be hell to pay. Is that crystal clear?”
Ruben nods. “It is.”
“Definitely.” My voice is trembling again.
“Good. I need to go, I have a meeting. We’ll talk soon.”
Geoff taps on his mouse, and the video call ends.
Well. That went about as badly as it possibly could.
“So…” says Ruben. “I guess I owe you an apology.”
Something flickers within me, something I don’t really like. I wouldn’t even be in this position if it weren’t for Ruben. I don’t want him to be high and mighty and apologize, I want it to be different; I want everything to have not happened the way it did. I know I’m guilty of avoiding him after the kiss, but I asked him to give me space, and he didn’t give me that. And now he’s going around poking me in interviews and somehow I feel like I’m in more trouble than he is. I hate it, but I’m seething right now.
No. This is just fear talking. It’ll pass.
I just need to keep my mouth shut until it does, because losing my shit at Ruben will make everything worse. So I push the emotions down, and smile.
“It’s okay,” I say. “You don’t need to apologize, it’s not your fault.”
“Well, it kind of is.”
“Yeah, but what would getting upset about it do?”
He stares at me for a long moment. “You know what? Sometimes I wonder if you care about anything.” He gets out of the chair and leaves.
He thinks I don’t care about anything?
If only he knew what the inside of my head is like.
* * *
It’s my last night in Amsterdam, and I still haven’t seen the canals.
My parents got engaged here, and even though it ended really badly, it’s still my favorite romantic story. It was totally spur-of-the-moment. Dad didn’t even have a ring. They were on vacation together, and they found this spot they both called the most beautiful place on earth, and right there, Dad got on one knee. He’d already decided he was going to propose once he got home, but then he realized no location could ever live up to where they were, so he went for it.
Mom said yes. She’s always said the canals played a big part in that decision, as she was swept up in the beauty of the place. She’d never really planned on getting married in the way some people do, and then it just happened.
I’ve always wanted to see them, and tonight is my only chance on this trip. But we’re not allowed to leave our hotel unsupervised. And this is the sort of thing I want to do without a security guard with me. I want to do it as Zach, not as Zach Knight: bad boy of Saturday.
A knock sounds on my door.
I frown and check my phone, in case I missed a message. There’s nothing. So I have no idea who’s knocking on my door, especially this late. I open it a sliver.
It’s Ruben.
He’s dressed to go out, in one of his long wool coats, this one in tan.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey?”
“I’m sorry about what I said in the interview.”
I shrug, then move aside, letting him into my room. I obviously wasn’t expecting company, so the whole space is messy, with clothes strewn around the place, and my bedsheets all messed up. I pick up a discarded shirt and toss it into my suitcase.
“Look,” he says. “I know things have been weird, but this is the one place on the whole tour you wanted to see. If we don’t go now, you’re going to miss it.”
“But…”
“Or you can just sit alone in your room all night, I guess. I’m not gonna drag you along.” His voice has an edge to it at first, but then he softens. “But I think we should go. Maybe we can try to … I don’t know, figure things out?”