The only issue is, I want to be touching him back. Everywhere. So even though it gives me heart palpitations to be doing this, especially so close to the others, I’m not stopping or moving his hand off my leg. It should be fine. We’re both looking out our opposite windows, pretending to be captivated by the city, and it’s not like we’ve never shared a blanket in the back seat before. We’re a band. We share pretty much everything. If anyone looked at us, they wouldn’t see anything out of the ordinary.
Ruben moves his hand off my leg, and I miss it, but then he runs his fingers down my arm and starts drawing circles on my wrist. I turn my hand, and our fingers interlock, so I can feel the heat of his palm against mine.
“Hey, boys,” says Erin, from the front seat.
As casually as I can, I pull my hand away. I glance at Ruben, trying to silently apologize. But if anything, his wide eyes make it seem as if he’s just as alarmed as I am.
“Get off your phones and look out your window for one second,” she says. “The Cologne Cathedral is coming up.”
The minibus turns a corner, and through the front window is a view of maybe the most badass-looking building I’ve ever seen. It’s a towering gothic building, one that would probably be right at home in a horror movie, honestly. Its stone spires are lit up by hundreds of yellow lights underneath. I’m not sure if this is offensive to think or whatever, but it kind of looks like a castle a monster would live in. Like Dracula or some shit. It’s just so over the top in a cool, freaky way.
I’m obsessed.
The driver pulls over, and I start smiling. Again. God damn it. Even though it’s a struggle to keep my eyes open, I feel hope catch on in my chest. If the outside is this cool, who even knows what will be inside? I bet it’s amazing.
“It’s something, right?” says Erin. “I knew you’d like it, Zach.”
“I love it.”
“Same,” says Jon, awestruck. It might have some big importance to his religion. It might matter to him as something much more than a cool-looking building, I don’t know. “I can’t believe I didn’t know this existed.”
The rest of us just murmur in agreement. Angel takes a photo of it on his phone, and I see him Snapchat it to someone. Probably a model.
Ruben was taking it in before, but now he’s focused on his phone, the screen lighting up his face. His frown tells me all I need to know. His mom must’ve messaged him again. He’s getting multiple texts from her a day now, and they’re never just checking in. It’s always a link to some article online criticizing him.
“Hey,” I say. “Ignore her.”
He presses his lips together and slides his phone back into his pocket. I know him, though, and I know he’ll read whatever article his mom sent him as soon as he’s alone. He can’t help but scratch that itch.
Erin nods at the driver, and we move away from the curb.
Wait, no.
I lean forward, to ask if we can go inside. “Hey, Erin.”
“Yeah?”
Everyone is staring at me, and the answer is going to be no anyway. I know that.
“Doesn’t matter,” I say, falling back in my seat.
I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up. It was such a long shot.
“We’ll come back,” says Ruben, his voice just above a whisper. “We’ll see it then.”
Under the covers, he reaches out. I put my hand on his, and he squeezes.
I wonder if he means “we” as the band, or like, us as a we. He used the word “relationship” to describe what we are doing, but that was a slip of the tongue—at least he swears it was. I’m pretty convinced there was a grain of truth in it, though.
The weirdest part is the thought doesn’t freak me out at all. Something like this is what I’ve been waiting for ever since Hannah. Something that just clicks. The thought of Ruben and me as a couple, not only dating but going on our own European vacation together, feels great. We’d have to do things mostly in private, at least for the time being, but I know it’d be so worth it. Plus, I like doing things in private with Ruben. Like, a lot.
For us to travel here as a couple, though, we’d need to come out publicly at some point. Ruben hasn’t even done that yet. I know people will care, but right now, the thought of us as a couple just seems nice. To be there for him and for him to be there for me, and for us to have a good time together, making out whenever we get the chance … it sounds nice.
Ruben and I hold hands secretly all the way back to the hotel, only breaking apart when we have to get out. Like everywhere we’ve stayed on this tour, this hotel, the Excelsior Hotel Ernst, is one of, it not the, best in the city, and it shows. This time, though, it irks me a little. While it’s nice to see a new place, hotels always start to look the same after a while. This isn’t really Cologne, it’s just another fancy hotel. We could be anywhere right now. Maybe I’m being a brat, but this is all starting to feel a little anonymous. Like we may as well still be touring at home.