I flick my light off, and fall back onto my bed. Everything crashes down around me.
What have I done?
I’m experiencing a lot of clarity right now, and with this clear-mindedness has come the fear. I just had sex with my best friend, but also a guy who is effectively my coworker. This is going smoothly now, but if things change, it could be catastrophic. And I was caught.
Someone other than us knows now.
I start messaging Ruben.
Hey. Keegan knows. He seemed really suspicious when I ran into him just now.
Wait, what??
Yeah. He said we’ve been spending every night together, basically.
Shit.
Okay.
Shit.
So what do we do?????
I don’t know. Do you think he’ll out us?
I chew my lip while I wait for a reply.
My phone lights up.
If he’s caught on, it’s not going to be long before the others do. I guess we were optimistic to think we can hide it forever.
I have a bad feeling they’re going to find out sooner or later. The question is do we want to take control of how they find out?
I know what he’s getting at. My hands shake as I type out: I’d rather they hear it from us. If they find out in any other way we’ll be in so much trouble. Maybe we tell them tomorrow?
I don’t send it, though. If I do this, people will know about me, just like they know about Ruben. But also, not a single part of me is ashamed about what I’m doing with him, and thinking of myself as bi is getting more comfortable with every passing day.
And Chorus has made it very clear what they think about secrets. They need to be told about everything going on in our lives, so that they can plan accordingly, and our narrative can never get wrenched away from us. If I want to keep hooking up with Ruben, it can’t remain a secret. Otherwise someone will out us and it will blow up into a massive thing. We need to be ahead of it.
Plus, Angel and Jon are two of my closest friends. I want them to know about me. I just thought I had more time than this to come out.
But … I guess I don’t.
I hit send.
Are you sure??
Yeah. I wish we had more time, but you’re right. I don’t want them finding out from anyone else but us.
Right. Well maybe sleep on it, and if you still want to, we can tell them at breakfast tomorrow.
Sounds good. Night.
Night. Sleep well.
NOOO I MEANT TO SEND THIS ONE
Sure you did.
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep well last night.
I’m in the shower now. I should’ve gotten out five minutes ago, but I haven’t yet. I keep telling myself just a few more minutes.
I’m not even sure why I’m stalling. Being out to Ruben has been so utterly wonderful, and now that one person knows, coming out feels so much easier. Not effortless, no way, but definitely easier.
But Ruben has showed me how great it is to have people know about this side of me.
Ruben has asked me multiple times if I’m sure, and I honestly am. It might not be exactly what I want to do, but I know it’s the right call. I think he’s surprised by the speed of this, and I completely get that. I think I learned from my time keeping my feelings a secret from him that not talking can be even more devastating than just saying the truth.
So yeah. As far as I can tell, I have no reason to not come out to the team, and maybe a lot to gain if I do.
But at the same time, I can’t get myself to get out of the shower. I think it’s because once I’ve said it I can’t take it back, so I want to be sure.
Last night, I spent hours reading every article and Reddit thread on coming out that I could find. I discovered a sub-Reddit called Gaybros, which had a bunch of great advice. Seeing countless guys just like me on the Internet talking about their coming out experiences really comforted me. The only people whose families seemed to have major issues with it were the religious ones, which did freak me out a little, considering how Catholic the Braxtons are. Then again, Jon is a huge ally. He’s never treated Ruben any different from the rest of us, and I know Ruben and Jon have had plenty of deep conversations about the intersection between religion and sexuality. Jon’s stance has always been that the God that he believes in loves all. Ruben has some issues with the way the church has treated gay people throughout history, but he knows that Jon, and a lot of other Christians, have his back. He just says he wishes Jon and others like him would challenge the status quo a little more, and for the most part, Jon agrees.
Geoff, though …
I don’t think he’s going to be mad at me for being queer. But this will definitely change the narrative of the band once it becomes public knowledge. As far as I know, two members in the same boy band have never dated before. Or have been out at the peak of the band’s success. If it’s found out, it will become a huge news story. It could easily become Saturday’s defining characteristic.