“I don’t know if I can be around enough to take care of her properly,” he said to Fabienne in a serious voice, still hoping she’d reconsider.
“She’s very self-sufficient,” Fabienne said coldly, “she’ll be fine.” He wanted it to be true, but he wasn’t as sure.
“She’s self-sufficient because she’s had to be.” He felt guilty thinking about it, but he couldn’t turn the clock back, and he had to be present constantly in his business to keep a handle on it. He couldn’t be around for Antonia too.
“I lost my mother when I was three and I survived,” she said matter-of-factly, devoid of compassion.
“You had a great-grandmother. She only has us.”
“She has you,” Fabienne corrected him, and closed her suitcase. She had packed mostly evening clothes, and jeans and T-shirts.
“How can you walk out on her?” he said with tears in his eyes, suddenly overcome by the reality of what she was doing.
“I have to, to save myself.” She made no move to comfort him or apologize. She wasn’t sorry. She was desperate to leave. Her friends at Studio 54 were her family now. She was taking her money from her bit parts and modeling jobs, which she had kept in a separate account. She didn’t want anything from him, and he didn’t offer. She was sure she would make money in L.A. All she wanted now was out, from a loveless marriage and the burden of responsibility for a child she didn’t want. She wanted freedom and a starring role in a movie. Her friends had said he was holding her back, and she had decided they were right.
She waited until morning to leave the apartment, and avoided seeing Antonia. Brandon gave her breakfast and then the sitter came. Fabienne was sober by the time she left. Antonia had already gone to school by then, and he was late for work. Brandon stood watching Fabienne go, unable to believe it was happening. He had a moment’s flash of memory of when he had first met her and was so taken with her. He wondered now if it had ever been love, or was it just excitement and lust. He made no move toward her as she walked to the front door with her suitcase. She said one of her friends was picking her up to take her to the airport. She was flying to L.A. that morning.
“When she’s older, tell Antonia I’m sorry,” she said calmly. “This will be better for her in the end.” He had a moment’s urge to rush toward her and try to stop her, but he knew he couldn’t. Nothing would stop Fabienne now. She was on her own path, thinking only of herself, as she always did, not her husband or her daughter. It was all about Fabienne, and no one else. She was following her dreams to become a star, no matter who she hurt in the process, and with little hope of seeing her dreams materialize.
The door closed softly behind her and he knew he’d never see her again. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or sad, and all he could think of in the silent apartment was what he was going to do with a seven-year-old child, and no one to help him bring her up. It was overwhelming. He sat down, dropped his face in his hands, and cried, for the little girl whose mother didn’t want her and for himself. He had a long hard road ahead. For himself, he was relieved more than sad. Living with Fabienne had been hell for the past several years. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d thought he loved her, and he wondered now if he ever had. The lesson he had learned was that passion came at too high a price, and love was only an illusion. He knew he’d never be taken in by a woman like her again. The question was what to do with Antonia now. He had absolutely no idea. And he had no desire to take care of her on his own, but no other choice. He was stuck with her, which was how he saw it. He tried to remember how much he had loved her the first time he saw her when she was born. But that was a long time ago. And he was a different person then. He still thought he loved Fabienne, and he’d had dreams of having a real family. The dream was dead now, Fabienne was gone, and he and his daughter were strangers to each other.
Chapter 3
On the weekend, two days after Fabienne had left, Brandon explained to Antonia that her mother was gone and she wasn’t coming back. He tried to explain that she had gone to Hollywood to try to be in movies, but the excuse sounded so empty even to his own ears, and so wrong, that he stopped trying to pretend it made sense and just told Antonia he was sorry. Antonia nodded, her eyes swimming in tears. She took the news stoically, and didn’t look surprised. She didn’t dare tell him that she had heard her mother on the phone talking to her friends about going to L.A. to become a star. She had been the victim of her mother’s rages often enough that she had learned that it was best to avoid her so as not to provoke her. She kept to herself and stayed in her room whenever possible. She was sad at the idea of her mother being gone, and wondered if it was because of something she’d done. But her father didn’t seem angry at her. He was very quiet and subdued, and he treated her like a small adult when he told her.