He was gone more than ever once Fabienne left. An opportunity to buy another company presented itself shortly after, and he was spending a lot of time traveling and staying late at his office. Antonia hardly saw him. He had hired Judith, a new babysitter for her, when Fabienne left. She was nicer to Antonia than the others had been, a girl from Salt Lake City, the oldest of eight children, but Antonia still kept her distance from her. She was with her all the time now, and Antonia read or played alone. Judith never mentioned her mother to her. She thought it was better not to.
Antonia wondered how soon her mother would become a star, and if she’d come back to visit then. She hoped she’d see her in a movie one day. But she didn’t dare to ask her father.
Brandon didn’t mention Fabienne either, and as time went on, he got angry whenever he thought about her. His sense of defeat had turned to bitterness and rage. He felt cheated by her. Antonia noticed too that her father drank more now on the weekends whenever she saw him, which wasn’t often. He came home from trips exhausted and paid no attention to her. Her very existence reminded him of Fabienne. Sometimes he’d smash a glass into the fireplace, and she could hear it break from her room, or he fell asleep on the couch, and she’d see him there if she woke up early in the morning before Judith came. She’d creep quietly to the kitchen on bare feet, and pour some milk and cereal into a bowl and eat it in her room. Her room felt like the safest place to be now. Her father never went anywhere with Antonia, and let Judith take her to the park or the playground. He always had something else to do, and Judith stayed with her whenever he went away.
He didn’t want the babysitter living there all the time, but she was willing to stay anytime Brandon was away overnight or traveled. And she warmed the meals the housekeeper left for them every day. He said he’d try to be home more often, but he wasn’t. He had businesses to run and too much to do to have time for a child. Antonia knew that about him, and wasn’t surprised. She was used to his being away. Her mother’s absence didn’t change that. They had breakfast together sometimes, while he read the newspaper. And then she’d dress for school, and Judith would arrive. Antonia was used to taking care of herself, had learned to do her own hair, and dress, with all her buttons done up right. Her mother being gone didn’t change much in her life, although she didn’t tell her classmates at school. She was ashamed and thought they’d guess that she had done something terrible for her mother to leave her. And she wondered if her father would leave her too one day. She thought anything was possible if she annoyed him.
* * *
—
Right after she turned eight, her father said they were moving to a new apartment. He said it was bigger and she would like it a lot. She heard him say to someone that he wanted a clean slate to erase his memories of living with Fabienne. The new apartment was close to Central Park, a sunny duplex with two floors, two big bedrooms, and a maid’s room for Judith behind the kitchen when she stayed over. He took Antonia to see it before they moved in.
“Will Mommy know where to find us, if she comes back?” Antonia said, looking worried after she saw it, and he looked instantly tense and annoyed by the question.
“I told you, she’s not coming back,” he said sternly. He didn’t want his daughter hoping, and being disappointed. And she had the distinct impression that he was angry at her, maybe because her mother left. She disappeared into her favorite hiding places when they got back to the old apartment. She liked her new room and it was bigger, and she had noticed convenient nooks and crannies to hide in. She liked disappearing, and when she came out of hiding, she pretended that she was invisible and no one could see her. But Judith did, and always found her. Sometimes Antonia slid under the bed and disappeared completely. She would lie there for a long time, out of sight, staring up at the box spring. She loved the idea of being invisible, and no one knowing where she was. She had gotten used to Judith and didn’t mind too much when she found her. And Judith let her keep the distance she needed, without crowding her. She encouraged Antonia to play with other children in the park, but Antonia preferred to sit on a bench reading a book. And the other children paid no attention to her. She never played with them. She was very pale with her blond curls and smaller than other children her age.
She helped Judith pack her books and toys, and they moved after Christmas. Brandon was doing well with his various manufacturing businesses. In each case, he had made a careful study of a failing business in need of money, bought it, and brought it back to life again, increased production until it turned a profit, and in some cases, he would then sell the business and buy another one. His empire was growing faster than projected. He was happy with how his business was growing, and all the money he made. He had built a sizable fortune. He wasn’t showy about it, but he liked knowing that Antonia would have security. He believed that was more important than spending time with her. He was building the future for her.